Tag Archives: Money


4 Nov

I have two other posts in draft that I ought to publish because the topic is better, but they feel flat to me. Perhaps because this is the post that is entangled in my mind. Lately, I’ve felt this insatiable hunger. (If you follow me on twitter you would have heard all about it, in fact you should be following me on twitter.) No matter what I eat I feel unfulfilled. I said to E the other day that I’m trying to eat my feelings. He asked which feelings. Good Question.

I don’t know.

There is obviously something wrong, but unlike usual I cannot pinpoint it. On paper everything is great. Even if you add up all the wrong pieces together, string them up and bind them, there is not enough for this. This appetite that cannot be suppressed. This cold ambivalence. I feel stagnant. Stuck in this mud of life and I don’t even have the energy to try and pull myself out, so I’m wallowing.

I think it’s my job. I think it’s spending so many hours here, my brain on pause. The boredom stifling me to the point where I don’t even want to read the endless amount of blogs that sit unread in my reader. I am still so disappointed that the job didn’t work out. I will try again in December with an email to the one, and then an email to the other perhaps in February. I will wave my hand saying, “I’m still interested! Pick me!” Maybe I’ll go through one more conference and then leave altogether. The problem is, I don’t want to start at the bottom and I don’t want to do fundraising anymore. I want to do consulting for the product I love so much.

There’s of course money too. I posted about my take on Occupy Wall Street, but I didn’t get into the details. I try not think about it, brush it under the rug. How much worse it really is than it seems. Just in time for the holidays.

Then well the insatiable appetite has led to even less clothing that could fit me. I went to Target and bought clothes there for the first time on Monday. Big Girl clothes. Spanx and their friends. Bras that could fit my face. Jeans in sizes that should only describe men’s shoes. When did this happen?

I would like to be pregnant again. It tugs at me, this longing. It scares me. This would be the last time. I want it, but I don’t want it to be the last time. Like when I first read the Harry Potter series I read so slowly, I couldn’t wait to get to the next page, but I didn’t want it to be over yet.

These are the things that are in my mind. Swirling together, but their mass doesn’t amount to whatever is going on. It’s not depression, at least not one I’ve ever known. Its indifference.

When did I become so indifferent in my life?

A Mother’s Take on #OccupyWallstreet

14 Oct

I will admit; I am probably not as educated on this as I should be. Yes, I have read a smattering of Time, Newsweek and other newspapers articles on this if I see them tweeted or someone sends it to me. Yes, I have perused picture galleries filled with hundreds of protestors aligned together with clever signs and purpose. Some of my closest friends spend days participating and organizing #OccupyChicago. I should know more. I should. But I don’t.

What I do know is what I see in my own life. What I do know is that I grew up in one of the most affluent suburbs of Chicago, although my parent’s debt always outweighed the perception of wealth that we had. I grew up seeing what the 1% had, and wanting it. I moved to Minnesota for college and the difference in class was striking to me. My parent’s two bedroom condo could buy me acres in Minnesota.

As I graduated college, having paid out of state tuition, I was left with insurmountable student loan debt. And I had grants; I had a full year paid. Yet still I was carrying $44,923.17 to be paid off over the course of my life.

I got pregnant straight out of college. It wasn’t intentional and while I did debate my right to choose what to do I decided to keep the little baby that was to become Bear. Perhaps, if I hadn’t made that choice I would have been in a better position financially. While my friends got out of college, traveled the world, lived in their parent’s houses, found jobs and saved money I had to immediately start paying for and caring for a child.

My hospital bills for Bear were more than we could bear. It took us a full year to pay them off. While I was pregnant with Bella two years ago I got a second job that I worked in addition to my full time job in order to be able to pay for the impending debt. A few weeks into my pregnancy I started bleeding. In the midst of crying in the bathroom, I told the H I didn’t want to go to the hospital because I was afraid of the cost. And it did cost. It cost me to wait in an ER for hours with a three year old boy while I was examined and poked and prodded and had an internal sonogram to tell me that no one I was in fact not miscarrying my second child.

We bought our house before the market crashed. My house is now worth $40,000 less than I paid for it. My mortgage payment while fixed is higher than it was three years ago because the property taxes have gone up and I didn’t have enough in escrow to cover it so it was added to my payment.

When the H took a new job in his company this past September it allowed him to actually like his job, and placed him on a path for much more career growth than if he had stayed in his previous position. But it costs me $400 a month for him to go to his new job. His schedule change and we had to send the kids to an extra day in daycare. My daycare bill is more than my mortgage.

Yes, I could send my children to an in home facility. I could pay less. But I want them to have the best that they can, and they do. I never feel amount of hesitation dropping them off at school because I know they are probably getting more from there than they even would at home with me.

I could give you numbers. Of the balance on my credit cards, the amount in my checking account, the red number that appears when you subtract our income from our expenses. But you don’t need them. You can probably look at your own account.

There are people, not many, that have more money than they could ever spend in a lifetime. That have things they will never use or never needed. That have a wealth that rivals the kings. There are people that will leave all their assets to their dogs before a dime sees the hands of a well deserving charity.  There are many people, that have much much less than I do.

Fundamentally, there shouldn’t be this immense discrepancy. My kids should be able to go to the doctor when they are sick and not stay home because I don’t want to pay the co-pay. I deserve to go to the hospital to be reassured that I’m not having a miscarriage. I deserve the education that I got. My kids deserve to go to a place every day where they are cared for and taught by loving people.  My family deserves to eat, to be warm in the winter and cool in the summer. Every family does.

Which is why this mom stands with the 99%.

Solve This Problem: Internet or TV

6 Oct

This prompt from Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop is actually quite timely as the H and I are currently in dispute about something.

We pay an outlandish amount a month for our TV and Internet thru Comcast ($145 to be exact) and well since I didn’t get this job we can’t really afford that any longer. However, we disagree about what we should cut.

No TV:

I can’t imagine not having cable, on demand or DVR access. It’s slightly sad how much television I watch, but I’ve grown to not care. I really enjoy watching TV. I really enjoy discussing it on twitter and with friends. What would E and I talk about if we didn’t have TV? What would Bear do while we were trying to sleep in the mornings if he couldn’t watch Bakugan, Ben 10 or Generator Rex On Demand? I would be completely out of the loop if I couldn’t see what antics those crazy Housewives were up to. TV for me is an amazing release like escaping to the pages of a favorite book.

No Internet:

We both have smartphones. I use my iphone for 95% of all my at home internet needs. I rarely actually go downstairs to the basement to use the internet. And I’m online for 40 hours a week at work. To me it would be completely unnoticeable. The H’s argument is that he’s the commissioner of his fantasy league and thus needs internet access to do things related to that as well as music demo stuff for his band.

So what do we do? Cut out internet? TV? Neither? Both?

Note: I’m also looking into Century Link/Direct TV for cheaper prices.

Listography: 5 Things I’d Change About Myself

7 Aug

This week’s Listography from Kate Takes 5 is 5 things you’d like to change about yourself, not appearance wise.

1. Patience. Everyone who knows me will you tell you that I’m not a patient person. Its an awful trait that I inherited from my father. I hate waiting for things and especially people. I love to do things, now. Like the weekend we moved into our house I unpacked everything, painted every room, had the carpet redone in the basement, redid the trim of the sliding doors and if it was up to me I would have redone the back splash too. Instead we did that a week later. Its a positive in that I get things done, but usually its a negative.

2. Money Skills. Another terrible trait I inherited from my parents. I don’t think I’ve ever really had a savings. And pretty much since I’ve had a credit card I’ve carried some sort of balance on it. The older I get the bigger that balance seems to be. Its just completely against my nature to save, perhaps because it requires patience.

3. Jealously/Envy. I tend to be a jealous person. I’ve acutely aware of all the things I do not have. And I want to have them. And of course I want to have them now regardless of if I can pay for them. See how all my negative traits interrelate? For example I know that lululemon yoga pants and TOMS shoes are staples of the well to do SAHM. Neither of these things I have. Or can afford. And honestly I don’t particularly like either of them, but I’m still jealous that other people have them. Crazy, right?

4. Insecurity/Fear/Shyness: I feel like these three all go together. Its funny because I was just talking to the Membership Manager about this. I don’t think of myself as an extrovert, but most people do. She said that I can be an extrovert and shy. I think she’s right. I’m shy because I’m insecure and I’m insecure because I’m afraid of people knowing the real me and not abandoning me. I recently read The Snyder Five’s blog post from BlogHer10 and I realized that’s exactly what I think my experience would be if I went. I would feel constantly like I was on the outside looking in. It doesn’t help that I feel like all the bloggers that I read and follow on twitter are the “Big” ones and they likely wouldn’t have the time of day for little old me. That’s where that insecurity comes from I wish that I didn’t have, I wish I could be like this mother fucking anteater:

5. Gossiping: I’m kind of a gossip and I hate that about myself. When I notice that I’m doing it I always stop and feel guilty. I’ve gotten so used to doing it at work all the time because its sort of what we all do to get through the drudgery, but I hate when it sneaks into my personal life. I tend to shoo it away when that happens, but I wish it never did happen.


So tell me, what are your five traits?!

Delusions of Grandeur

12 Jul

Defined via google: a delusion (common in paranoia) that you are much greater and more powerful and influential than you really are

I grew up expecting and assuming that I would some how be extremely rich and famous. I didn’t think about how I would actually get to this point, or what I would do to warrant the vast amounts of wealth and popularity I anticipated, I just knew that I would be. Just because. Obviously, that hasn’t worked out so well for me.

(looks down and around room) Yeah, its definitely not happened to me yet.

The H and I have been watching a lot of House Hunters recently and looking at all of these beautiful homes that people are buying, especially internationally has got me quite the shade of green. I want to move. I want a new house. I want a vacation home. I want. I want. I want.

Its so hard to teach Bear not to have the gimmies, when I’ve got a mean case of it myself. Perhaps I need to re-read that Berenstain Bears book. But its so hard because I have always wanted more and I have always assumed I would have it. It never occurred to me that perhaps I wouldn’t. That somehow I would be ordinary. That I would struggle with money the same way my parents always did. It didn’t even enter my mind that something like that was conceivable.

I grew up around such affluence, my friends had all of these things and thus one day I would have them too. There were so many starlets that were my same age and they got famous. Why them and not me? Katie Holmes grew up with a poster of Tom Cruise in her room and then she married him. (Granted he’s crazy, but still.) This happens to other people. This can happen to me. Someone has to win the lottery, that person can be me.

I have always been an internal optimist, I may be a realist in public and out loud, but in my head, that’s where the magic happens. That’s where I decorate my multi-million dollar Spanish style Beverly Hills home.

I hate seeing all of these people who have more than me, I hate feeling less than.


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