I just had a panic attack. I realized that daycare is going to cost $1,100 a month for new bear. Which let me tell you would mean we’d have a negative balance without even spending money for food, gas, dog food, diapers anything. Our income – expense would be NEGATIVE. WITHOUT FOOD. Great. So I’m going to get out of debt to get into MORE debt than I was to begin with. Holy fuck. I’m expediting the process of the H finding a second job.
By my calculations, if the H gets a second job that brings in $400 a month (after tax) we will not only be in great shape, but we’ll be able to build up a savings. Without it, the first scenario. I’m hoping our tax return and a bonus for H will be more than the conservative 2 grand I estimated which will allow us to pay our debt down faster and thus save for daycare sooner.
I’ve been slowly telling people and dying not telling others. Other than my parents, S, and Mb that I told the first night I waited a whole week to tell anyone else. I told the N’s when they came over on Sunday (1/17), unfortunately they figured it out themselves because of a baby book indiscreetly in my room. She wants to throw me a shower in August in Minnesota (I’m still super bitter that the H’s family never threw me a shower for Bear).
I finally got a hold of my best friend J who had been out of town, I had wanted to make sure everything was okay for her before I sprung my news on her, and I wanted to tell her before I told anyone else. She was beyond excited, very similar reaction to Mb. She wants to throw me a shower in July in Chicago. With all these showers I’ll definitely save money and be able to get all the things I need for new Bear or Trex as we like to call him since Bear’s reaction when we asked him if he wanted a brother or sister was “a baby trex!”
Its been surprisingly easy/difficult not telling people. Its hard not to tell people at work because we’re always talking with a co-worker who just entered her 3 trimester, and another co-worker who had a baby earlier this week. Its easy not telling my friends because well it never comes up obviously! My plan is to tell some of my co-workers at my birthday lunch, tell a select few friends at 6 weeks, tell everyone else at 12 weeks.
On Saturday, Jan 23, after in excitement registering for baby stuff at Target, we got lunch at McDonalds (craving something salty) and then I went to the bathroom and I was bleeding. I started sobbing instantly. We rushed to After Hours at Allina, and they pretty much just sent us to United to the ER.
We spent 5 hours at the Hospital. I didn’t want to go, because I knew it was going to be so expensive, but I also couldn’t not go. They took my blood twice. They did two different kinds of ultrasounds on me. They saw a gestastoinal sac, but no baby in the ultrasound. “It’s too early” they kept saying. My blood work came back with the hormone levels of 6 weeks, a week longer than I actually am. No one said what that meant. I’m RH Negative (my blood is incompatible with the babies and wants to develop antibodies to kill it essentially, this usually isn’t a big deal unless the bloods meet like in the case of me bleeding) so they gave me a Rhogam shot which prevents the antibodies from developing. Then they sent me home and put me on bed rest.
I am so nervous and scared all the time. I don’t want to cough, I don’t want to go to the bathroom, I don’t want to sleep in case I wake up bloody. I haven’t bled since yesterday. And even yesterday it was such a small amount. But everything I read screams miscarriage at me. I don’t want to lose baby trex!
We wound up telling the H’s parents since they wondered where we were all day and I didn’t want to lie about being at the hospital. So now the H’s parents and sister know. After what happened I don’t think I’m going to tell my co-workers on Thursday, or anyone else for that matter for awhile. It’s all too scary to contemplate untelling right now.
I feel absolutely miserable. Like miserable to the point where I don’t want to do anything but talk and think about how miserable I am. I want everyone to know my misery and be miserable through hearing about my misery. But because so few people know I cannot wallow in my misery with many!
I can’t eat anything because everything smells terrible and makes me want to puke. On the other hand, if I get really hungry I do puke except nothing but stomach foam. Plus, even when I’m not actually throwing up which lately has actually been only first thing in the morning. I always want to throw up; I’m just able to restrain myself not to. Like right now, I really want to throw up, I want to throw like contemplating going down to the secret work bathroom and throwing up. I’m exhausted, and hungry, and nauseous, and just plain fucking miserable.
I am convinced that there is no possible way that women could remember this misery and opt to get pregnant again. We must be brainwashed upon birth to forget this terribleness. I promise you, if I knew it was going to be like this I would never have opted in to doing it again.
I am miserable people, miserable.
Just kill me, kill me now.