I Try.

7 Jun

To be musically inclined is a wish I have held close to my heart all my life. I began writing in the form of lyrics: short poppy songs and heartfelt ballads. I belted songs on the radio and sang as loud as I could in the school chorus. I wrote a song, “It never ceases to amaze me” that I still recall.

I remember when I was told that I could not sing. That I was utterly tone deaf and what I heard in my head was not what you heard with your ears. I remember crying, devastated. I would never be a singer. I could not be in the chorus like all of my friends. I began mouthing the words at every Happy Birthday, at every national anthem. In my car I still sing. Loudly, every word, to every Adele song. To every pop song and rock song. I sing with my heart that swells in joy. But never will I be able to sing with you at a karaoke bar, to harmonize with you at our favorite song. Yet I continue to surround myself with those that have great musical talent. I am drawn to them, to their music. To the way their fingertips glide effortlessly across guitar strings or piano keys. The way their voice lilts and trembles at the words. In fact I have loved more musicians than not. So impressed by what they can do that I cannot.

Lately Bear has taken a great liking to music. At all points in the day he’s listening to his two Disney’s Greatest Hits CDs – the purple one and the green one. In fact Mulan’s “I’ll Make a Man Out of You” has been one of his all time favorite songs for the last year. Recently I bought him the red one and the first time we played it, that moment when the first song started to play I stopped. I stood. I let every word flow over me.

I am not a child now.
I can take care of myself.
I mustn’t let them down now-
Mustn’t let them see me cry.
I’m fine.
I’m fine.

I, like Chandler Bing, make jokes at uncomfortable situations. I feign optimism when inside I ache.

I’m too tired to listen.
I’m too old to believe:
All these childish stories.
There is no such thing as faith,
And trust,
And pixie dust.
I try,
But it’s so hard to believe.
I try,
But I can’t see what you see.

I ask you to Call Me Beautiful, but I don’t believe you. I don’t see myself the way you see me. A reflection in your eyes of what I want to be, but instead it feels like a mirage.

I try.
I try.
I try.
My whole world is changing,
I don’t know where to turn.
I can’t leave you waiting,
But I can’t stay and watch the city burn;
Watch it burn.

I have a princess complex. I am always waiting to be rescued. Always. I’m starting to accept that there is no knight on a white horse coming. That these walls I’ve built, this turret I sleep in is one that I must find my way out of. Alone.  There is so much left undone. So much love left unloved. So much life left unlived. I cannot wait to be rescued. I cannot pretend to be something I’m not. I cannot be who you think I am until I believe it too.

Linked with Pour Your Heart Out

Yes, this post contains amazon affiliate links. But honestly I highly recommend these three cds. They have a great mix of current and past and obscure Disney songs and are not unbearable to listen to on repeat! 

23 Responses to “I Try.”

  1. rimarama1 June 7, 2012 at 9:49 am #

    I know that feeling because I once wanted nothing more than to be able to sing beautifully, too. I remember participating in a talent contest as a child during which I sang a Shirley Temple song. It was awful, I totally sucked and I’m not sure if anyone even clapped. But it didn’t stop me from trying out for the high school musical six years later (and not making the cut). But you know what? I slowly developed an ear for music and realized that I’m not tone deaf, I just hadn’t had the proper training. I’m still no diva, but I got some training and I even sang in a semi-professional Lithuanian choir for ten years after that. So there’s always hope!

    • Marta June 7, 2012 at 10:09 am #

      You mean I could actually take voice lessons and potentially be able to sing Happy Birthday out loud?

  2. Go Jules Go June 7, 2012 at 2:01 pm #

    Marta, I know you mentioned feeling this way in a comment on my blog once, and I’m so glad you wrote more about it! You know I’m the exact same way! It must have been heartbreaking to have been told that you couldn’t be in the chorus. I totally have a subscription to an online karaoke service, and every time I play my voice back, it’s so discouraging. On the plus side, I’m glad that I haven’t kidded myself to the point where I’m embarrassing myself on national TV. So we have that going for us!:)

    And we’re awesome writers instead. TAKE THAT, Justin Bieber. (Loved the Chandler reference, too!)

    • Marta June 7, 2012 at 9:36 pm #

      I can pretty much make a Friends/Seinfeld reference out of anything and I bet you can too.

  3. Corey Feldman June 7, 2012 at 3:35 pm #

    Touching post. I wish I had musical talent. I don’t. But my wife does and kids seem to be inheriting it from her. So I can live vicariously though them.

    • Marta June 7, 2012 at 9:38 pm #

      I’m already thinking about signing up Bear for piano lessons. I want them to really learn and appreciate music.

  4. memyselfandkids June 7, 2012 at 5:35 pm #

    I am a car/shower singer also. My voice is just right for these locales.

    • Marta June 7, 2012 at 9:41 pm #

      If they offered Grammys or Tonys for these locales we could be shoe ins.

  5. By Word of Mouth Musings June 7, 2012 at 6:03 pm #

    You would be amazed what voice lessons can actually do – we have friends kids who have ‘studied’ and gone from really you are letting them out in public, to wow! never too late my dear!

    • Marta June 7, 2012 at 9:47 pm #

      One day. One day!

  6. Life with Kaishon June 7, 2012 at 7:51 pm #

    Me either! I can’t sing worth a lick. My son begs and begs me NOT to sing when a great song comes on the radio… : )

    • Marta June 7, 2012 at 9:48 pm #

      Yeah Bear loves listening to Adele in the car, but not me singing along!

  7. Krishann June 8, 2012 at 5:39 pm #

    Your post made me smile. I can relate. How I would love to have melodious sounds come forth from my mouth. I have been guilty of mouthing words to songs because I didn’t want anyone to hear me the funny thing is as terrible as I think I sound my daughter loves when I sing to her. Keep singing if it makes your heart swell with happiness to me that is a good enough reason to never stop!

    • Marta June 13, 2012 at 9:50 am #

      My son never wants me to sing a long with him, but I think its more so that he just wants to sing himself as he says the same to my husband who has an actually good voice!

  8. Sarah June 8, 2012 at 7:26 pm #

    Tony was told by his high school music teacher that he couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket. Apparently he couldn’t… but he kept trying and eventually was able to train his ear, and, as you know, is now a great singer. Keep singing along–that’s how you get better!! = )

    Also, I was totally thinking about “It Never Ceases To Amaze Me” the other day. I still remember the words too! That was a good song! = )

    • Marta June 13, 2012 at 9:51 am #

      IT WAS A GREAT SONG! I was wondering if you remembered it. I think I should bring my lyricist career back.

  9. Shell Things (@shellthings) June 9, 2012 at 4:09 pm #

    No singing for me, either. Well, not where others can hear me!

  10. Kimberly M (@momgosomething) June 10, 2012 at 7:30 am #

    I thought that I sort of could sing…in my shower…behind a door…only I never had the gonads to actually use it. I too mouthed the words at birthday parties.
    I went on a vacation with my friends to BC and we were drunk driving in a city bus to downtown when I just started belting out Little Mermaid…no lie…and it was actually good. People stood up on the bus and clapped and asked for an encore.
    I never sang since.
    I just figured that if we were drunk…everyone was drunk:)
    But I wouldn’t let someone’s comments stop you from doing what you want to do. You can do this on your own. Push it.

    • Marta June 13, 2012 at 9:55 am #

      Clearly you need to try another Little Mermaid rendition under sober terms, maybe you’re secretly this crazy amazing singer and you just don’t know it =).

      I did once karaoke sing (drunkenly in college) a duet with a friend of Aladdin’s “A Whole New World” it was pretty mortifying from what I can recall. =)

  11. Bridget (@twinisms) June 11, 2012 at 6:48 pm #

    I sing loudly in the car too – even though I can’t sing at all:)

    • Marta June 13, 2012 at 9:56 am #

      The car is my favorite place for singing. I sing a long to entire musicals when I drive from Minnesota to Chicago!

  12. memyselfandkidsl June 11, 2012 at 7:31 pm #

    I just wanted to let you know that I nominated you for the versatile blogger award.

    • Marta June 13, 2012 at 9:56 am #

      Aww THANK YOU!

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