To be musically inclined is a wish I have held close to my heart all my life. I began writing in the form of lyrics: short poppy songs and heartfelt ballads. I belted songs on the radio and sang as loud as I could in the school chorus. I wrote a song, “It never ceases to amaze me” that I still recall.
I remember when I was told that I could not sing. That I was utterly tone deaf and what I heard in my head was not what you heard with your ears. I remember crying, devastated. I would never be a singer. I could not be in the chorus like all of my friends. I began mouthing the words at every Happy Birthday, at every national anthem. In my car I still sing. Loudly, every word, to every Adele song. To every pop song and rock song. I sing with my heart that swells in joy. But never will I be able to sing with you at a karaoke bar, to harmonize with you at our favorite song. Yet I continue to surround myself with those that have great musical talent. I am drawn to them, to their music. To the way their fingertips glide effortlessly across guitar strings or piano keys. The way their voice lilts and trembles at the words. In fact I have loved more musicians than not. So impressed by what they can do that I cannot.
Lately Bear has taken a great liking to music. At all points in the day he’s listening to his two Disney’s Greatest Hits CDs – the purple one and the green one. In fact Mulan’s “I’ll Make a Man Out of You” has been one of his all time favorite songs for the last year. Recently I bought him the red one and the first time we played it, that moment when the first song started to play I stopped. I stood. I let every word flow over me.
I am not a child now.
I can take care of myself.
I mustn’t let them down now-
Mustn’t let them see me cry.
I, like Chandler Bing, make jokes at uncomfortable situations. I feign optimism when inside I ache.
I’m too tired to listen.
I’m too old to believe:
All these childish stories.
There is no such thing as faith,
And pixie dust.
But it’s so hard to believe.
But I can’t see what you see.
I ask you to Call Me Beautiful, but I don’t believe you. I don’t see myself the way you see me. A reflection in your eyes of what I want to be, but instead it feels like a mirage.
My whole world is changing,
I don’t know where to turn.
I can’t leave you waiting,
But I can’t stay and watch the city burn;
Watch it burn.
I have a princess complex. I am always waiting to be rescued. Always. I’m starting to accept that there is no knight on a white horse coming. That these walls I’ve built, this turret I sleep in is one that I must find my way out of. Alone. There is so much left undone. So much love left unloved. So much life left unlived. I cannot wait to be rescued. I cannot pretend to be something I’m not. I cannot be who you think I am until I believe it too.
Linked with Pour Your Heart Out
Yes, this post contains amazon affiliate links. But honestly I highly recommend these three cds. They have a great mix of current and past and obscure Disney songs and are not unbearable to listen to on repeat!