Call Her Beautiful.

8 May

Last night I snuck into her bedroom. Tip toed, hoping she wouldn’t wake from the noise, from the light.

I leaned over her crib and gazed at her sleeping body. Carefully placed my hand delicately on her back. Watched her breathe. My daughter.  I whispered promises.

Sneaking back to my bedroom with salty mascara stained tears at my cheeks I stared at the empty wine glass, the clicking cursor in the email. My relationship with my mother is _____.

It’s a sucker punch. Air knocked out. A gasp.

Yesterday, my mother wrote me to tell me how unhelpful I am and how I don’t have any real friends because I can’t open up my heart.

She cut, for the sake of the bleed.

There are words that spilled over the page like cabernet shattered; staining, creeping across the crevices as tears poured out of me and onto four pages. Promptly deleted. I don’t want this to be our story. I am done with our story.

It is now about her. Her tendrils of fine blonde hair that curl at her neck.

It is about her brilliant blue eyes that if tear stained won’t ever be at my negligence.

Her childhood will not be filled with memories of meals denied for the sake of her appearance. She will be beautiful regardless of her appetite.

She won’t be called stupid, or a moron, or a retard or any other synonym for the same sentiment. She won’t be criticized and ridiculed. I won’t defend or excuse or accept blame for someone else’s vileness.

She is gorgeous, this daughter of mine. Affectionate. Stubborn. Adventurous. Silly girl.

She has so many to watch her, to look over her, to love her. Her brother. Her sensitive, kind, loving brother who hugged me last night as I cried and told me he would never be mean to his children.

Yes, I think she will be okay.

These whispered promises of mine that I keep in my heart. Sewn up and sealed with tears. With love. With sadness. With wishes from the damaged and dreams from the hopeful. You will call her beautiful, and she will believe it.

She won’t survive, she’ll thrive.

All of these photos are from instagram. You should follow me: motus8

A continuation from my post: Call Me Beautiful.

Just written for a wordful wednesday where I poured my heart out and spoke for her.

Posted with my series: Let’s Talk About the Serious Stuff

33 Responses to “Call Her Beautiful.”

  1. Karyn @ kloppenmum May 8, 2012 at 3:49 pm #


  2. By Word Of Mouth Musings May 8, 2012 at 6:14 pm #

    So much sadness and hurt all wrapped up in one short lifetime.
    Resilience and promise for the next.
    So many dreams and hope for the future …
    Hug tight, whisper sweet nothings and cling to this family that is yours to nurture, guide and love forever xxx

    • Marta May 9, 2012 at 8:31 am #

      Thank you. I will, I do, I have. =)

  3. HeatherEO May 8, 2012 at 8:00 pm #

    I love that you’re changing the direction of your lineage, you know? you are a gift to the world and to your children for finding the strength to overcome what was done to hurt you and not done to honor your worth as it should be honored. Your daughter will know her worth and you will have changed history. This was a beautiful post. I’m sorry for your pain and so grateful for your joy.

    • Marta May 9, 2012 at 8:32 am #

      Thank you Heather, a lot. I worry that by trying to give them all I didn’t I may spoil them, but I’m striking a balance and I think so far its gone well.

  4. Galit Breen (@GalitBreen) May 8, 2012 at 8:35 pm #

    This is such a beautifully written, heartfelt post.

    I am sov try sorry about the pain that its embedded within.

    But that little girl? The beautiful one who’s going to beyond thrive? Is extremely lucky to have YOU.

    (Thank you for your words. I’m so very glad that I read them.)

    • Marta May 9, 2012 at 8:33 am #

      Thanks Galit. Sometimes the hardest words to write are the ones that reap the greatest rewards. I just hope that my hope for her came across without being too tangled in my own hurt.

  5. Stacy Uncorked May 9, 2012 at 6:21 am #

    Your daughter is the luckiest girl on the planet to have you as her mom. You’re right – she is absolutely going to thrive. ((HUGZ!!))

    The Cockatiel Project

    • Marta May 9, 2012 at 8:27 am #

      Thank you, a lot. I hope so. I really hope so.

  6. gojulesgo May 9, 2012 at 7:35 am #

    Gosh, this is such a beautiful post, but not its inspiration. I’m so sorry you had to receive such a hurtful letter from your mom. [In response to your tweet] I DEFINTIELY don’t think we ever grow out of being able to be hurt by our parents, or any of our loved ones (but especially our parents). You’re so right that the best we can hope to do is learn from their mistakes.

    • Marta May 9, 2012 at 8:26 am #

      Yes. I agree. We have still been emailing each other and its getting better, but in the end I just don’t know what she really wants from me. LE SIGH JULIE LE SIGH.

  7. Polish Mama on the Prairie May 9, 2012 at 11:02 am #

    I understand and know. I don’t want to talk or think about this anymore either. Hugging our kids and moving past is best, I agree. And sending you hugs.

    • Marta May 16, 2012 at 11:35 am #

      and many back to you.

  8. jagelees May 9, 2012 at 11:20 am #

    I adore that you recognize that you can change the way you mother and be completely different than your mother is. I’m sorry that your mother cuts for no other reason than to make you bleed emotionally. Sending you a HUGE hug.

    • Marta May 16, 2012 at 11:35 am #

      Thank you! Hug received!

  9. Nelly May 9, 2012 at 1:45 pm #

    Wow. I’m sorry you’ve had to endure such heartache. Thankfully your daughter will not have to suffer the same. She’s beautiful! It’s obvious you’re an incredible mother. And a pretty awesome writer too!

    • Marta May 16, 2012 at 11:35 am #

      Awww thank you so much!

  10. Shell Things (@shellthings) May 9, 2012 at 4:32 pm #

    Your daughter will only know love from you. xo

  11. YLMBreadless (@YLMBreadless) May 9, 2012 at 8:10 pm #

    I understand you far too well. I lok at my sweet girl and all I can think is “dear God don’t let me damage her” I want her to be so much more than I am. I want us to have more than my mother and I have. I want her to know she is amazing and wonderful just because she is herself

    • Marta May 16, 2012 at 11:34 am #

      YES YES YES.

      I constantly look at my kids and wonder how they will look back on their childhood.

  12. Corey Feldman May 10, 2012 at 11:56 am #

    She is beautiful.

  13. talkingismyprimaryfunction May 11, 2012 at 5:55 am #

    I want to eat her little cheeks. Just keep looking at her smile when things get hard.

    • Marta May 16, 2012 at 11:32 am #

      Isn’t she kind of ridiculously adorable with those cheeks? I love them. That and her cute little nose. Kids have the most adorable noses!

  14. Jessica Watson (@JessBWatson) May 12, 2012 at 7:17 pm #

    Oh wow, I am so sorry for your pain. My relationship with my mom has been less than ideal, not the the degree of yours but I too find myself wanting to make sure that I right all the wrongs of my childhood and that they grow up with a much different relationship with me than I have with my mother.

    • Marta May 16, 2012 at 11:31 am #

      I watched many of my friends grow up with their moms almost as their best friends, telling them everything. It was something I could never imagine. But something to an extent I really do hope I have with my children. Hopefully we both succeed.

  15. Deborah the Closet Monster May 13, 2012 at 11:05 am #

    This is as beautiful as it is heart-wrenching. I read this and thought, “This is like reading something my mom would have written for me.” As one whose mom might have written words like this, I can affirm the truth of the goodness that is awaiting your daughter. And I thank you. Happy Mother’s Day.

    • Marta May 16, 2012 at 11:30 am #

      Thank you, happy belated mother’s day to you!

  16. Debbie Anderson (@SanDiegoMomma) May 15, 2012 at 8:29 am #

    I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the legacy our parents leave us and the tendrils of hurt that curl around our souls, and I think what we have is this: A way to do it different with our own. Lots of love. XO.

    • Marta May 16, 2012 at 11:30 am #

      I agree. You always hear people saying that they’ll never be like their parents and then we slowly turn into them. I’m hoping for the most part that I don’t. =)


  1. Called Myself Beautiful. « Lost and Forgotten - February 19, 2013

    […] Call Her Beautiful […]

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