27 Apr

On March 29th I had a doctor’s appointment and wrote Notes Between the Paper Sheets.

On April 3rd I got a call from the doctor about my results during a co-workers lunchtime baby shower. A firm believer in no call is a good call I clearly panicked. After all I am also a firm believer in that bad things will happen to me (also good things. I have yet to win the lottery or be in tsunami, but I believe both are feasible.) I was told, as I stood in the parking lot gripping my iPhone and thinking about things like fertility loss, medical bills and the C word, that my tests results were abnormal and that I need to come in for more. The nurse I spoke to was very chipper. She told me I was probably fine. My appointment wasn’t scheduled until April 26th.

I am going to be fine.

On April 5th I called my insurance provider to ask how much this would cost. During said conversation I was a) disconnected b) told that they couldn’t help and to call the doctor c) told I was having surgery and would have to pay my $1,000 deductible or d) All of the above.

ding ding ding, ladies and gentleman the right answer is D. Though the option to add “and all your co-workers would leave work at that exact moment and wave to you as you stood in the parking lot” is also an acceptable answer.

On April 6th the doctor calls back to say that it’s between $400-600 since I have a $1,000 deductible. Woohoo! Love health insurance in the US of A!

The day finally arrives… April 26th:

How does one even dress for a biopsy? Heels? Skirt for easy access? I decided to dress up because if I’m going to have to get a biopsy done I’m going to look hot about it.

I only had to pay my copay upon arrival. I don’t know if this means I still have to pay more at a latter date. I choose not to say anything.

The tips of my ears are bright red. I feel like they are on fire. I want to take a photo, but I feel like it’s strange to take a photo of just the tip.

I’m told my blood pressure and pulse are very relaxed. Feel confident I could pass lie detector test.

The nurse is very pretty and very nice. She also has a Coach name tag holder. I find this reassuring. Her shirt has a Greys Anatomy logo on it. I will call her Izzy.

The procedure room is frightening. How long are they going to make me wait here? At least I’m not naked. Izzy decided that since I’ve never met the Doctor our first encounter shouldn’t be in the nude. I see a rationale to this.

That is a really big light. I feel like it could shoot lasers at me.

That is the worldwide largest cotton swab.

The door is locked with a syringe. That is … Different.

Questions Asked:

Do you smoke? Occassionally. 

When did you first have sex? Um. 16, no 17. Yeah 17. 

Have you had more than two sexual partners? Yes. (Silent Laughter) 

Told I am very high risk for HPV. Make a completely non-scary disease sound like a very scary disease, check! Make patient feel like a street walker, check!

At least I’m a well dressed lady of the night.

I wonder why they need an oxygen tank. Perhaps I will pass out. Or get high. There is also hand sanitizer. Party in procedure room 2!

Actual procedure is unpleasant. Good thing I self medicated prior to arrival (as per instruction). There are in fact abnormal cells. She will call on Tuesday no matter the result. Am handed a cancer brochure.

Feel light headed, slightly nauseous and have no hearing in right ear.

Drink hot water from little cup in procedure room.

Resume proper hearing.

Read brochure in car. See words like hysterectomy. Decide this brochure is ancient version of webmd and will not send self into unnecessary panic.

Make list of things I don’t like:

  • Soft Cheeses
  • Words like moist and panties.
  • Moist panties
  • Reading Cancer brochures


Assume that unless otherwise written that the results on Tuesday will be fine. 


33 Responses to “Biopsy.”

  1. Juliie April 27, 2012 at 9:29 am #

    I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I have to have the same thing done this Monday afternoon. I’m not looking forward to it.. Hopefully we will both get good news!

    • Marta April 27, 2012 at 9:38 am #

      Thanks Julie. It was uncomfortable, but not as painful as I expected. I took two ibuprofen about two hours before like they had told me and I think that helped. Good luck!!

  2. Juliie April 27, 2012 at 9:47 am #

    Thanks. I hate things like this. My insurance company isn’t covering mine either since we haven’t met our deductible. I will take ibuprofen like you said. The painful part is waiting to find out and having your imagination run wild during that time! Hopefully we will both be just fine!

    • Marta April 27, 2012 at 9:58 am #

      Yeah I’m definitely NOT looking forward to that bill at all. I agree about the waiting. I’m trying not to stress out about it and saving that for Tuesday if the call isn’t a good one. =/

  3. April 27, 2012 at 8:47 pm #

    thinking good thoughts for you on tues!

    i hate the words moist and panties too. in my house it’s wet and underwear thank you very much.

    • Marta April 27, 2012 at 8:52 pm #

      Thank you! And yes. Wet underwear is much more suitable. If I lived overseas I would like “knickers”

  4. Galit Breen (@GalitBreen) April 27, 2012 at 8:55 pm #

    Oh you, I’m thinking about you!

    • Marta April 29, 2012 at 8:26 pm #

      Thank you! I think it may be denial, but I’m very optimistic.

  5. Loukia (@MrsLoulou) April 27, 2012 at 9:31 pm #

    Thinking positive thoughts for you! Waiting for medical results can be agonizing, and I hate waiting for the phone to ring, too. Take care, and good luck.

    • Marta April 29, 2012 at 8:27 pm #

      I know and I’ll be at work on Tuesday. So there’s a good chance I’ll miss the call the first time. I would hate to play phone tag on this!

  6. The Simple Life of a Country Man's Wife April 28, 2012 at 9:41 am #

    “Make patient feel like a street walker, check!” — and you had to pay for it, too!

    • Marta April 29, 2012 at 8:27 pm #

      Ha. You’re right. And I haven’t even gotten the full bill!

  7. maybaby April 28, 2012 at 1:14 pm #

    First time reader, and what a post to start with! Having had several scares over the years-it seems that the medical profession derives perverse enjoyment from making us wait through a WEEKEND. I am sure it isn’t planned, but criminy.

    Looking for good news from you next week as I follow you on your journey.

    • Marta April 29, 2012 at 8:28 pm #

      Thank you🙂 I have been enjoying the weekend a lot considering. Tuesday will be the worst waiting for my phone to ring and hoping I don’t miss the call!

  8. Jessica Watson (@JessBWatson) April 28, 2012 at 5:26 pm #

    How scary, I went through a very similar unpleasant procedure in my twenties. I hope your results are okay just as mine were.

    • Marta April 29, 2012 at 8:32 pm #

      I hope so too. I have a friend who went through this and she wound up having to get a LEEP which doesn’t sound like any fun.

  9. gojulesgo April 29, 2012 at 8:13 am #

    Oh my gosh! I am sending many happy, healthy thoughts your way. I am confident all will be well and you won’t have to read any more of those brochures.

    I really appreciate the honesty -and humor- you brought to this really scary situation. And I bet you WOULD pass that lie detector test!

    • Marta April 29, 2012 at 8:33 pm #

      Ha. I am a TERRIBLE liar. But apparently if I can convince the blood pressure/pulse test that I’m totally calm maybe I can indeed.

  10. erinclot April 29, 2012 at 10:27 am #

    Ugh. Talk about making a stressful situation even moreso. Another blogger friend of mine just went through this, she ended up having to have the LEEP procedure after her results came back. Sometimes owning a set of lady parts is just no fun! I hope everything comes back OK.

    • Marta April 29, 2012 at 8:35 pm #

      Yeah a friend of mine had a LEEP. Doesn’t sound pleasant at all and unlike the dentist this isn’t something I’d really bring someone to hold my hand at!

  11. Alison@Mama Wants This April 30, 2012 at 9:05 am #

    Omigosh, I hope everything will be OK!

    • Marta April 30, 2012 at 9:31 pm #

      Thank you Alison, me too!!

  12. Raluca | WhatWouldGwynethDo April 30, 2012 at 12:23 pm #

    I just went through something similar a few weeks back…it’s such a nightmare, sending positive thoughts your way.

    • Marta April 30, 2012 at 9:30 pm #

      Thank you. Yeah its not fun at all is it?

  13. Shell Things (@shellthings) May 1, 2012 at 12:27 pm #

    Hoping you got good news today. xo

    • Marta May 1, 2012 at 1:30 pm #

      Thank you, it did! It was definitely a relief.

  14. Kris & Chris May 1, 2012 at 1:00 pm #

    I have had a few scares myself and can only imagine how you are feeling. Thinking of you and praying all is well. Also sending virtual hugs.

    • Marta May 1, 2012 at 1:31 pm #

      Thank you for the hugs and prayers they worked because according to the voicemail from my doctor today everything looks okay! I need to have another test in 6 months to make sure.

      • Kris & Chris May 2, 2012 at 9:48 pm #

        Hallelujah!! I would say that is a reason to celebrate! I am so glad that everything is ok and will continue to keep you in my prayers that 6 months from now you will again have a reason to do a happy dance🙂


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