For the censored version go here.
Friday after working four non-stop hours I hurried home expecting a spotless house having hired a cleaning service for just that task. This was not remotely the case and instead the H and I spent 90 minutes cleaning after the cleaning lady. I was hoping to wow my mother with my cleaning prowess. No one noticed or mentioned it.
I picked up the hunny bunny I ordered and impulse bought some Hot Cross buns that I thought we could eat as we dyed Easter eggs. Bear didn’t like the raisins. The H doesn’t eat anything healthy. Bella ate only the frosting. My mother despite me asking her multiple times rejected them, so only my father and I actually ate the nine dollar buns.
We went to pick something up at the store and my father honks at a pedestrian trying to walk across the crosswalk in the parking lot. And then they proceed to yell at each other. I proceed to pretend like I don’t know these people. 10 minutes later in the juice aisle my mother attempts to engage me in conversation and proceeds to start crying. I do not do well with public crying. In the span of 18 minutes my father yelled at a stranger and my mother publicly burst into tears.
My husband left for a prior engagement so I drank white wine in a regular glass as not to arise suspicion while preparing Bella’s dinner.
Saturday was a flurry of little things that culminated in a rapid fire of texts to my two closest friends which are transcribed below:
I just went to get some wine. Didn’t want to draw attention to it so I tried to use the awful electric opener I have. It did this.
Then I tried to gnaw it. Which didn’t work. So I had to get a corkscrew.
Now I’m doing this
Yes I was in fact drinking wine in my laundry room like all classy ladies do on Easter Eve.
After stuffing the plastic Easter eggs with chocolate and hiding them about the house I was getting ready for bed when I heard Bear coughing vehemently and went to check it out. I was greeted with projectile vomiting…. on me.
That morning we discovered that the dogs had gone on their own night time Easter egg hunt and had found and eaten an assortment of Easter eggs. The children were then quarantined to the bedroom while we washed, re-stuffed, and re-hid the eggs.
After setting a beautiful Easter table I showered quickly before we sat down to eat only to have a violent allergic reaction to something causing this to happen to my face:
Despite the delicious spread of food Bella refused to eat breakfast and spent the entire time saying “no” and trying to jump out of her high chair.
This is the photo of me being hit in the face with a football:
And that my friends is the uncensored version of Easter.