Easter. Uncensored.

12 Apr

For the censored version go here.

Friday after working four non-stop hours I hurried home expecting a spotless house having hired a cleaning service for just that task. This was not remotely the case and instead the H and I spent 90 minutes cleaning after the cleaning lady.  I was hoping to wow my mother with my cleaning prowess. No one noticed or mentioned it.

I picked up the hunny bunny I ordered and impulse bought some Hot Cross buns that I thought we could eat as we dyed Easter eggs. Bear didn’t like the raisins. The H doesn’t eat anything healthy. Bella ate only the frosting. My mother despite me asking her multiple times rejected them, so only my father and I actually ate the nine dollar buns.

We went to pick something up at the store and my father honks at a pedestrian trying to walk across the crosswalk in the parking lot. And then they proceed to yell at each other. I proceed to pretend like I don’t know these people. 10 minutes later in the juice aisle my mother attempts to engage me in conversation and proceeds to start crying. I do not do well with public crying. In the span of 18 minutes my father yelled at a stranger and my mother publicly burst into tears.

My husband left for a prior engagement so I drank white wine in a regular glass as not to arise suspicion while preparing Bella’s dinner.

Saturday was a flurry of little things that culminated in a rapid fire of texts to my two closest friends which are transcribed below:

I just went to get some wine. Didn’t want to draw attention to it so I tried to use the awful electric opener I have. It did this.

Then I tried to gnaw it. Which didn’t work. So I had to get a corkscrew.

Now I’m doing this

Yes I was in fact drinking wine in my laundry room like all classy ladies do on Easter Eve.

After stuffing the plastic Easter eggs with chocolate and hiding them about the house I was getting ready for bed when I heard Bear coughing vehemently and went to check it out. I was greeted with projectile vomiting…. on me.

That morning we discovered that the dogs had gone on their own night time Easter egg hunt and had found and eaten an assortment of Easter eggs. The children were then quarantined to the bedroom while we washed, re-stuffed, and re-hid the eggs.

After setting a beautiful Easter table I showered quickly before we sat down to eat only to have a violent allergic reaction to something causing this to happen to my face:

Despite the delicious spread of food Bella refused to eat breakfast and spent the entire time saying “no” and trying to jump out of her high chair.

This is the photo of me being hit in the face with a football:

And that my friends is the uncensored version of Easter.

13 Responses to “Easter. Uncensored.”

  1. kadburyis April 12, 2012 at 8:04 am #

    Wow, my Easter didn’t involve wine, rashes, or dogs. I feel a little let down about this as I am used to my family Easters involving the kind of drama known only in Heads of State war rooms. Alas, my hub’s family is extremely low drama and all we did was eat ham. Booor-ing.

    Congrats on making it through another family holiday. And just think, there’s not another for eight months or so, so you’ve got some time to recover : )

    • Marta April 12, 2012 at 4:06 pm #

      Family reuinon in June. I think there’s a graduation or two as well.

      I will totally take boring ham eating over covert drinking. Well… I didn’t really mind the drinking just the needing to part.

  2. gojulesgo April 12, 2012 at 8:55 am #

    Oh, my, GOD! This is horrifyingly hilarious. Did you find out what caused the allergic reaction?? You look bee-a-u-ti-ful in the wine picture, and I’m totally not just saying that because there’s Charles Shaw in the picture :)

    I love this post and I love that I’m not the only one who covertly drinks wine out of a regular cup sometimes.

    • Marta April 12, 2012 at 4:06 pm #

      I really felt like I was on to something when I came up with that =)

  3. Beth April 12, 2012 at 9:54 am #

    Oh. My. GOD. I’m so sorry. But at least you got to turn it into not one but TWO awesome blog posts…


    • Marta April 12, 2012 at 4:09 pm #

      Ha, that is true. If I wanted to I could probably do a third :-)

  4. Wenchy April 14, 2012 at 10:34 pm #

    I love reading your blog*. :)

    • Marta April 15, 2012 at 8:04 pm #

      Thank you :-D A LOT.

  5. Nelly April 16, 2012 at 8:07 pm #

    I’m really just all kinds of sorry. Eff holidays, thats what I have to say.

    • Marta April 18, 2012 at 4:08 pm #

      Haha thanks! At least there are no more coming up soon!

  6. Marta March 29, 2013 at 7:46 am #

    Reblogged this on Lost and Forgotten and commented:

    If you missed it last year you must read my I censored version of Easter. I’m hoping of a better on this year. While you’re at it click over to the censored version too.

  7. Corey Feldman April 4, 2013 at 11:12 am #

    I hope you had a better Easter this year!


  1. Easter. Censored. « Lost and Forgotten - April 12, 2012

    […] For the uncensored version go here. […]

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