Notes Between the Paper Sheets

3 Apr

Last Wednesday there was grooming, shaving, scrubbing, lotioning. More so than even prior to my wedding or the loss of virginity (events not related) I prepared for the lady doctor appointment. My winning personality can only do so much with an arm behind my neck while avoiding eye contact during a breast exam.

A good impression at theĀ lady doctor is based upon cleanliness. I fold my clothes neatly on the chair even folding my underwear* which is then carefully hidden under the clothes. This is key as the pile of clothes is sure to be the first thing seen when the door is opened.

*I am not a fan of the word “panties”. This word should be reserved strictly for conversations that involve words like “wet” and “heaving”.

The simple act of nudity immediately causes me to consider the need for the restroom. Another reason a porn career would never have been the right choice for me.

I sit upon the exam table awaiting the doctors entrance with a paper sheet neatly placed over me and a random piece of haphazardly created material covering my chest. What is the purpose of this fabric? What should it cover? What are these strings for? Have I put this on correctly? I am now flummoxed by cloth.

Holding said shreds together while attempting to make introductory small talk causes me to start sweating. I think to myself this woman has seen two children come out of me I think a nip slip while chatting is acceptable.

Deep breath. Cold wet uncomfortable things happen. We discuss how I want to lose 35 lbs and when I plan on having more kids (next year). It’s like naked therapy.

She hands me some Kleenex and exits.

20 minutes of every woman’s life she could probably do without.

Does anyone else have similar lady doctor habits and neuroses?

13 Responses to “Notes Between the Paper Sheets”

  1. pikapikachick April 3, 2012 at 9:12 am #

    I agree 100% with everything you said here, including the use of the word “panties”.

    • Marta April 3, 2012 at 4:17 pm #

      I know! Panties just have to be used in a dirty way otherwise its unacceptable!

  2. Wenchy April 3, 2012 at 11:21 am #

    I have a man doctor and yes the same applies.

    • Marta April 3, 2012 at 4:17 pm #

      Ah the man doctor. I’ve had one before, but I have to say I’m glad I have a girl again. If you’re man doctor is attractive than I feel like the preparation needs to be increased to hair and make up as well =)

  3. Starle April 3, 2012 at 4:30 pm #

    While I like the word ‘panties’ this made me giggle. Now that I live in the UK, If i say PANTS it means panties. I’m not wearing pants.
    ” I am now flummoxed by cloth”.—made me spit wine on my keyboard. My space bar no longer works. It was worth it.

    • Marta April 4, 2012 at 4:23 pm #

      What? So you call panties — pants? That would confuse me extensively. Especially because I dislike wearing pants. Everyone would assume I was going commando under such a statement!

      Lol. I’m sorry/glad that you spit on your computer. Its something I’ve always been hoping to achieve.

  4. Kara April 3, 2012 at 9:07 pm #

    I particularly enjoy the word panties, but never in the same sentence as ob/gyn. Panties are reserved for those times when you could care less where they end up once removed…and it’s never neatly folded hidden under your clothes. Which, by the way, I hide my undergarments at the drs as well.

    • Marta April 4, 2012 at 4:24 pm #

      I’m with you on the use of panties. Panties are for statements which occur prior to the flinging of said panties in some general location.

      I want to meet that one person that just flings their underwear (probably a thong) to the top of the clothes pile at the doctor’s office. You know there’s a girl like that.

  5. gojulesgo April 4, 2012 at 8:54 am #

    I have such doctor phobia that this post put my stomach in knots! And you are SO right about the word panties.

    PS – No way do you need to lose 35 lbs, girl!

    • Marta April 4, 2012 at 10:47 am #

      That’s how I feel about the dentist. Though I do dislike shots, luckily the doctor is rarely giving them to me.

      ALSO. Thank you!! 35 is what I need to fit into a variety of beautiful clothes in my closet that have been out of commission for 3 years.

  6. erinclot April 4, 2012 at 8:39 pm #

    Love this! I have the same routine, right down to hiding my undies between my clothes. Sounds like I had the same conversation with my midwife on Monday too ;)

    • Marta April 5, 2012 at 9:22 am #

      HA! Well its always good to know you’re not alone in your peculiarities!


  1. Biopsy. « Lost and Forgotten - April 27, 2012

    […] On March 29th I had a doctor’s appointment and wrote Notes Between the Paper Sheets. […]

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