Archive | 8:01 am

Notes Between the Paper Sheets

3 Apr

Last Wednesday there was grooming, shaving, scrubbing, lotioning. More so than even prior to my wedding or the loss of virginity (events not related) I prepared for the lady doctor appointment. My winning personality can only do so much with an arm behind my neck while avoiding eye contact during a breast exam.

A good impression at theĀ lady doctor is based upon cleanliness. I fold my clothes neatly on the chair even folding my underwear* which is then carefully hidden under the clothes. This is key as the pile of clothes is sure to be the first thing seen when the door is opened.

*I am not a fan of the word “panties”. This word should be reserved strictly for conversations that involve words like “wet” and “heaving”.

The simple act of nudity immediately causes me to consider the need for the restroom. Another reason a porn career would never have been the right choice for me.

I sit upon the exam table awaiting the doctors entrance with a paper sheet neatly placed over me and a random piece of haphazardly created material covering my chest. What is the purpose of this fabric? What should it cover? What are these strings for? Have I put this on correctly? I am now flummoxed by cloth.

Holding said shreds together while attempting to make introductory small talk causes me to start sweating. I think to myself this woman has seen two children come out of me I think a nip slip while chatting is acceptable.

Deep breath. Cold wet uncomfortable things happen. We discuss how I want to lose 35 lbs and when I plan on having more kids (next year). It’s like naked therapy.

She hands me some Kleenex and exits.

20 minutes of every woman’s life she could probably do without.

Does anyone else have similar lady doctor habits and neuroses?


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