Content Discontent.

29 Mar

This past Sunday I made my way to church. I find for me that it is kind of like the gym. I never want to go, but I never mind when I actually do. It was kismet that the sermon revolved around gratitude and contentment.

Content is defined as satisfied with what one is or has; no wanting more or anything else.

It might as well be re-written to say not Marta.

At first sitting there, on the wooden pew looking upon Bear fiddling around with his toys knocking into the man next to him with no concept of his surrounding space, I felt so much guilt at my discontent. How I reek of want. There is no ounce of me that is satisfied. I want more of myself, much much more. I want more of what I have and don’t have. I want better and bigger.

Thinking about the excess, what can be trimmed, scaled back. How I could be more content with what is in front of me, perhaps even that too much. As he spoke his words flowing over me my brain ticked off future returns, purchases and projects put on hold, the accounting tape running as the amounts tallied. I could be content. I could be satisfied. Couldn’t I?

Yet the discontent inside of me churned. Resisted.

I struggled all day with it. The only thing in my life I would truly not change is my children. They are perfect exactly the way they are. Perhaps one day, when they’re older I may think of things that could be better, but now at 5 and 18 months they are exactly what I would envision my children to be. Yet without them it’s a series of should could would always just falling short of satisfactory.

Dissatisfaction is a symptom of ambition – Mad Men

That night I decided that I’m content with my discontent. I want more. Be more. Reach for more. See more. Feel more. Love more. I want more of everything. I am full of dreams. Elaborate Dreams. Passion. Energy. And that’s okay. That’s who I am.

You will never be extraordinary if you are happy being ordinary. And I never want to be ordinary.


6 Responses to “Content Discontent.”

  1. Juliie March 29, 2012 at 11:39 am #

    When I read this it’s as if you were writing about me. This is how I have felt all my life, but could never quite put it into words, certainly not as well as you did. I was always told “why can’t you just be happy with what you have” and was always made to feel as if I was ungrateful, which is hardly the case. Now I realize that I am extraordinary and I wouldn’t change a thing about my discontent. Thank you for this. I’m printing your post out and I’m putting it on the wall of my art studio/guest bedroom so I can read it as often as I need to.

    • Marta March 29, 2012 at 12:24 pm #

      Julie, I think that’s one of the best comments I’ve ever gotten. Thank you🙂 I’m glad that I’m not the only one who feels this way.

    • gojulesgo March 30, 2012 at 9:25 am #

      Well with an awesome name like Julie, I can’t be surprised that you left such a great comment!

      I totally agree – I always feel lazy and selfish that I want more and don’t go out and get it. I’ve been this way my whole life (never satisfied), and it’s great to finally see it put in this light. I LOVE the Mad Men quote!

      • Marta March 30, 2012 at 3:12 pm #

        Ha, glad you liked it =)

  2. Kara March 29, 2012 at 1:18 pm #

    Very true. It’s often really hard to not want more, and it’s not the materialistic things I’m thinking of. I love my life, but I’m not exactly sure content is the word I would use.

    • Marta March 30, 2012 at 3:10 pm #

      I agree, its not that I’m unhappy persay. Though yes sometimes I am but it’s more because of ME and not because of that around me. There’s just more that I want out of everything, maybe I’ll win this mega millions and at least have the financial part down🙂

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