Yesterday. Today.

16 Dec

cour·age/ˈkərij/ Noun: 

    The ability to do something that frightens one.

    Strength in the face of pain or grief.

Where does one find courage within themselves? Do we have a reservoir hiding in the crook of our elbow, behind our knees, in some other hard to reach often missed spot?

I am digging to find it. My hands are raw and torn, the dirt tucked deep under my fingernails. But I am left empty handed. Instead this thumping heart. Instead this nervousness parading through my blood stream. Where is this courage you speak of?

Yesterday, I read a statistic that 1 in 5 women have been raped.

My breath quickened.  The sharp intakes of air rushing through my lungs.

Yesterday, I read Jo’s post on ViolenceUnsilenced. I had read it before on Band Back Together. I have met Jo; I have held her super adorable baby girl in my arms and smelled the top of her little blonde head. I have met this person whose courage flowed through her pores.

I read her story again with my breath on pause, my eyes unblinking.

Yesterday, I remembered.

My palms heated and moist were scrubbed furiously. My throat on fire.

Yesterday, I was silent.

Slowly the ache inside of me grew, spreading through me, cracking skin and exposing wounds long since scabbed.

Today, I pressed send.

Felt the air escape from my body, leaving me breathless and hollow.

Today, I did the bravest most frightening thing I’ve ever done.

I told a secret I have held close for most of my life.

Now, we wait.

16 Responses to “Yesterday. Today.”

  1. Polish Mama on the Prairie December 16, 2011 at 5:16 pm #

    I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I wish I could hug you. You are brave. I know you are. And your writing is amazing. It really puts mine to shame and makes me want to push harder and try more. Sciskam cie…

    • M December 18, 2011 at 9:21 am #

      Thank you so much Kasia, and you’re an amazing writer!

  2. December 16, 2011 at 6:17 pm #

    You are lovely and so very brave. I am honored to be your friend.

  3. Yes I Said Minnesota December 16, 2011 at 7:24 pm #

    Each day that we wake up and venture we find strength and courage within ourselves. Let the people around you love you, an borrow strength from them as needed. The world is a good place despite some of the bad people in it.

  4. Chibi Jeebs December 16, 2011 at 8:07 pm #

    Love you, dear heart.❤

  5. Deborah the Closet Monster December 17, 2011 at 7:39 am #

    It is a brave thing that you have done, moving forward despite all internal urgings otherwise. I hope (and suspect, given all I have witnessed) you find that braveness rewarded with even more of the same until at some point you understand how great yours is.

    • M December 18, 2011 at 9:22 am #

      I hope you’re right, because at first it was an immediate sense of nervousness and panic. Then calm. Now, sort of an impatience. We’ll see. =)

  6. Kate (@PerpetuallyKate) December 17, 2011 at 9:25 pm #

    I am in awe of you. Maybe your bravery will rub off on me. We are magnetic to one another, those of us who have such yesterdays and todays. thank you marta.

    • M December 18, 2011 at 9:23 am #

      Well I am in awe of you so clearly it is mutual. Soon we will schedule out coffee date and I will certainly give you any of this bravery you think I have!

  7. gojulesgo December 18, 2011 at 8:49 am #

    I so admire your bravery, Marta, and am just as grateful to know you!

    • M December 18, 2011 at 9:22 am #

      Thank you!

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