I know when it happens. When that moment that I want to just devour anything possible happens. It just happened now upon reading the H’s email that the MIL can’t watch the kids early enough for us to be able to see the movie (we already bought living social tickets and need to use soon) before my MN best friend’s birthday party on Friday. Within the same email he mentioned that the garage door is broken, and can’t be fixed but needs to be replaced. I got filled with the desire to eat – anything. And massive quantities of it. Then our IT Asset Manager came by asking me if I still had that loaner laptop. Yes, in fact I use it every single day, all the time, as the primary laptop in our house since my 2003 Apple is quite finicky and slow. They need it back tomorrow. I didn’t have the courage to ask if they would just give it/sell it to me after all he said all they’re going to do is wipe it and recycle it.
My co-worker, the New Mom, was then just telling us a story about how she cried in front of the Prof in a meeting on Monday just because of all the anxiety she had this past weekend. As she was saying that I felt the overwhelming urge to a) start crying b) hug her c) tell her all of my own woes. Instead, since we’re having a hallway conversation at work, I remained composed despite what was going on in my head.
This all happened in a span of five minutes. In those five minutes I went from being “good” and sticking to a reasonable diet all day to falling nearly to shambles. If I had the access I would have eaten three McDonald’s meals already. If I hadn’t spent the entire day in spreadsheets analyzing my budget I’d go home and pick some up for the family for dinner. But honestly we don’t have the $18 that would cost.
I feel like I’m holding in too much. The H falls asleep moments after we get to bed so I can hardly engage him in a conversation. Bear is up until shortly before that so I’m not about to talk in front of him. I don’t want to burden my friends. I always feel like I’m bothering them. It’s something in 26 years I’ve never learned, I can never seem to go to my friends with troubles. How strange, what else are friends supposed to be for? I fear judgment above all else.
While I was just in the pumping room I jotted down a list of things that are currently stressing me out. I had 17 items on the list. I ordered them by how much stress they cause me. #3 was what people think of me only surpassed by money (#1) and my weight (#2). Oddly enough two of three work related ones didn’t show up until numbers 15 and 16.
I can’t psychologically convince myself not to care. Almost all of my worries are in some way correlated to other people’s opinions of me, my family and my home. Only two single worries of the 17 are actually just about me. And one is the Prof. His ineptitude and negative demeanor only affect me, and thus its 16 on the list. #17 is my back pain (which is directly related to stress). How interesting that of all the things that worry me the last two are the ones that are just affecting me. I’m not even going to list my 17 because of what you the anonymous reader could possibly think about them.