Archive | 7:14 pm

I Don’t Change

30 Nov

I’m grumpy, it is usually when I am grumpy that I feel compelled to write. I have had tons of ideas for blog posts but I haven’t had the time or desire to write them. I don’t have the desire to write them now either. Now I just want to complain.


Because I don’t change. And I’m sick of it. I’m sick of talking about it, writing about it, thinking about it. I should just accept it. I’m lazy, I’m greedy, and sometimes I’m gosh darn whiny. There it is America, the truth.

After being so stressed out before I decided to just concentrate on one thing which was finishing my book club book. So for two days straight all I did was read “We the Living” by Ayn Rand. And I finished it. And I liked it. And I didn’t go to book club. Why? No good reason. Didn’t feel like it.

On account of losing two days to reading and it being only a few days before my big annual Thanksgiving party (16 people this year — great success, meant to write about it) I wasn’t writing. Which means I didn’t complete nanowrimo. And I had a great idea for a story, and it was going somewhere and I was 25,000 words in and then …. I stopped.

I also stopped exercising which I was really only half heartily doing anyway, but now I just wasn’t doing at all. I stopped logging what I ate into my lose it app. I stopped weighing in on Wii Fit and I stopped going to the gym. I was only 3 days short of getting the 12 monthly visits in to get my $20 Medica reimbursement but I just… stopped.

And of course moola. I was so proud of how on top of my Christmas spending I was, well that’s because Black Friday hadn’t hit yet. Since I spent all of Thanksgiving Day alone in bed with a fever vomiting while the rest of  my family was at my in laws I was too sick to wake up at 3:30 am to head to Target. But I did venture out at 8 am. And proceeded to spend, and spend and then spend some more. I did way more online shopping this year than ever before. Damn Amazon and their lightening deals. Damn Macy’s and their half off Calpahlon pans. The UPS man is going to know the route to my house by heart pretty soon.

Bear’s been misbehaving lately. Not particularly anymore than usual, but when he used to be the golden child its still hard getting used to his occasional tantrums and his sudden “gimmie” attitude. I find it hard to say no to him (as does everyone) which only feeds his gimmies. Plus, he’s been talking back, and name calling (nothing discernible usually “something on your head” he retorts). It’s just been frustrating. In some ways we treat him like he’s 13 or 23 instead of 3 which doesn’t help. We let him stay up late with us, watch our TV shows, neglect his vegetables, not clean his room, things we should be stricter about.

Bella’s been good, thankfully. She sleeps well. Waking once at night really and once early in the morning. I have no idea how I’m going to return back to work considering that I’m used to sleeping in to 8:30 or 10 everyday and once I go to work I’ll have to wake up at like 6 am to be able to feed her, then pump, then have breakfast, get myself and them dressed and get us all to school/work. I’m not remotely excited for going back. Strange considering how desperately I wanted to go back when I first went on leave. Now I dread the day (which is less than 2 weeks away) because for the most part I like being home with them and honestly I’m going to miss them. Plus I’m nervous about the whole thing. Nervous how I look (like I’m still pregnant and awfully pale about it). Nervous I’m going to have no effin idea what’s going on. Nervous my friends are suddenly not going to be my friends. Who knows what’s happened in the last 3 months. While I’ve seen friends from other departments, my friends from my department have been surprisingly absent.

At least the H will be home any minute now and I can just check out.


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,022 other followers