July’s TFLN

From TFLN:

(405): She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.

(716): she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said “ok i wont fuck you”.

(303): She started crying. I don’t think she’s gotten head from a sax player before.

(717): he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
(410): engineering majors are such efficient drunks.

(754): He doesn’t fuck you and he’s married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
(954): In the hopes he’ll just put it in one day?

(714): walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
(714): he’s on the phone and just starts going “FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK”, then follows it with “Are you sure your pregnant?”… made my day.

(304): I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I’m such a classy drunk.

(206): I’m too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
(503): How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?

(585): Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
(518): It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn’t fly.

(337): All I heard was “You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I’ll tell you about it later!”.

(818): remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
(702): Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can’t kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

(630): I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.

(530): I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me.

(310): thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
(1-310): you do know it’s eleven in the afternoon, right?

(417): I may do that, fyi I’m even more sore than I was yesterday. It’s like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.

(203): you came downstairs saying you were now ‘dressed to impress’
(508): what was i wearing?
(203): nothing.

(204): I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said “Really? Wow, how long’s he been a Pilot for?”
(1-204): you are both the best and worst wingman ever.

(914): i’m pretty sure the only people calling it “sexting” are ones who don’t actually do it.

(610): The online application for Mcdonald’s said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women’s restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.

(712): The police scanner is talking about you again….

(917): If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
(917): Those had pot in them
(917): And good luck on your interview asshole.

(973): his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed.

(305): its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone’s face.

(281): I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.

(413): So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.

(256): FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.

(904): Another one? Damn, how many David’s is that?
(1-904): six.
(904): Oh, I thought it was higher.
(1-904): No, that would be the Matt’s.

(804): she said and I quote “NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!” and closed her legs.

(414): and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex.

(240): I’ve gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany’s defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That’s how much my friends don’t like you.

(704): He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.

(250): Do you think it’ll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I’ve slept with both the bride and the groom?

(+43): my summer class’s final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A’s on it. I love europe.

(773): At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man’s wedding photographer?

(304): He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.

(562): the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed “TEAM JACOB!” in her face & howled at the moon…

(937): [insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight].

(440): Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried.

(215): I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn’t tried to jizz on me.

(617): We’ve been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?

(631): So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes “i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?”.

Thursday TFLN

From a month’s worth of TFLN:

(818): His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother’s face.

(732): No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you’re probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.

(218): Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

(513): i know. thats why i need an open bar. i’ll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.

(214): She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca.

(636): You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
(847): What did I say?
(636): Don’t ask me questions while I have an erection,

(732): there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.

(724): Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

(303): He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!

(412): it’s like her boobs came off with her bra.

(712): Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
(714): Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that “out of shape.”.

(515): On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.

(908): there is no way i’m buying plan b and condoms at the same time
(732): no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.

(405): just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
(1-405): we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don’t eat them you put em in her vagina.

(352): I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I’m screwed either way.

(816): She always acts like she’s doing me a favor with a hand job. I’ve been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.

(845): I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!

(718): he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
(917): smooth operator.

(850): Are you still giving blowjobs?
(1-850): Who is this?

(301): If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
(513): Get out now.

(514): He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we’d have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.

(908): His sister just told me that she thinks i’m a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I’m ruining his life.
(732): sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner.

(985): when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said “this.. just this”.

(713): she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

(315): She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had….she said it was a game she likes to play…how far she gets is how she judges her lovers…I am oddly turned on by this…

(208): She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled “DENIED!”.

(250): woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was “i make hot dog in toasTer” .

(404): i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn’t know that i’m straight, or sober me doesn’t know that i’m gay.

(901): i think i left my bra at your place
(1-901): It’s still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.

(662): “I never want to have to say, ‘Please don’t squirt me with your breast milk’ again.

(612): Is it wierd that you’re going to be my best man and you’ve fucked my wife?

(614): you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.

(541): Like reprimanding the wall for “sneaking up on me” drunk.

(404): Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.

(917): pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
(347): I THOUGHT I SAW YOU.

(256): she’s bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.

(405): Don’t you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.

(617): he proposed by singing a showtune… he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time.

(269): He’s my palate cleanser. He’s my mint sorbet. He’s my saltine cracker. He’s who I fuck between people to make the next one better.

(224): so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum… He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

(409): We’re listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
(1-409): How are you texting me from 1998?

(650): we just finished making mockaritas… then we prayed
(505): god you guys know how to party
(650): worst. bachelorette party. ever.

(650): so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
(1-650): did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?

(404): hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it’s just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.

(+44): according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag.

(541): You don’t understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth.

2 Months worth of TFLN

Brought to you by TFLN:

(617): Houston, we have a problem
(781): where are u?
(617): Houston. That’s the problem. I don’t know how I got here.

(519): i finally watched harry potter… a tad unrealistic if you ask me… i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

(530): I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
(1-530): fuck. you.

(810): Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I’m unsure if I still have legs.

(949): The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.

(240): boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill.

(773): She looked like a pterodactyl…..but dude i love dinosaurs.

(319): Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
(1-319): Why hello drunk Jake. It’s sober Sarah, I’ll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She’ll probably be around tomorrow night.

(562): Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on.

(810): Don’t take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you.

(203): Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying “i knew she was a lesbian” somewhere.

(410): Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I’ll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
(301): I accept this challenge.

(662): Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
(1-662): I don’t think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.

(310): So they discontinued the hummer… Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they’re assholes.

(832): At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
(713): Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

(914): I’m stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me.

(314): I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.

(518): She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her.

(314): Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to “the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest”?
(636): our generation is not ready to get married.

(612): I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.

(717): I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i’ll never get to be asian.

(248): no memory loss, but i’m unhappy with my memories.

(503): we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

(303): Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.

(574): no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said “sorry wrong house”.

(406): Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
(1-406): What the fuck?

(401): i’m pretty sure i just ruined some dude’s romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.

(813): I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you’re drunk for free if you’re a member. How did I not know about this?

(409): We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.

(918): Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
(1-918): And she used to have such long ones. Sad.

(703): As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said “Eat it like your birthday cake”.

(513): sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.

(857): Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.

(703): apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies.

(309): I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.

(972): They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

(845): he nicknamed his dick “too big to fail”.

(435): Doctor took one look at my penis and said, ‘you don’t have herpes, you just masturbate too much’.

(414): My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit… except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat.

(313): Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said “NOT OJ”.

(732): Somehow he came on his own face…then he freaked out.

314): he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, “please limit play to one hour while others are waiting”.

(202): I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like “that’s a lot of white dudes… and they’re really into snacking.”.

(631): she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying “always the bridesmaid, never the bride”?
(516): nope.

(254): I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time.

(518): I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.

(765): He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.

(440): You’ve ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music.

(214): Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We’re well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.

(440): We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren’t illegitimate.

(847): We’re official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.

(616): this is like black Friday for my dealer. I’m literally standing in line.

(252): Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won.

(917): hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father.

(203): his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper.

(203): Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.

(919): okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.

(214): A lesson I learned in the hospital….when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

(301): look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don’t. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.

(701): She said “Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off.” I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

(818): he yelled ‘rock me amadeus!’ when he came
(323): i love that song!
(818): NOT THE POINT.

(575): The sign in front of ihop says “designated drivers get half off their order”.

Remember TFLN Tuesday?

Wow its been way over a month since I did one of these so here are highlights of my favorites from that time frame from TFLN.

(508): i just heard her through the wall saying “not on my face! NOT on my face!” then a scream and “I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!”…nice work dude.

(651): he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.

(636): A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

(757): I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 ‘customer asshole fee’. I have no grounds to dispute it.

(319): On a scale of “impaired judgement” to “Mel Gibson,” how drunk are you?
(316): Toaster.

(617): just gave a yankee’s fan wrong directions to Fenway….welcome to boston asshole.

(408): Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel…Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?

(301): let’s get her a shirt that says “i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child.”.

(919): So I used the “I’ve never cummed from a BJ before” line last night.
(1-919): And that worked?
(919): 9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

(862): found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified…she says she was “saving him for later”.

(803): Why am I in a dog kennel?
(1-803): It was for your own safety.

(219): Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

(919): Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn’t involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

(770): I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
(404): you should get a family discount.

(216): fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

(506): I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
(902): the fact that I know you’re asking me if I’m coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

(512): its 9am and we’re in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we’re the morning after a rap video

(954): I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass…..I feel like the cinderella of S&M.

(604): She didn’t know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

(925): While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, “You’re like a Chipotle burrito. Don’t worry, that’s the best complement you could get from me.”.

(212): ok so I’m texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren’t you proud?
(1-212): this is Aaron, hi.

(814): We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

(207): no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod..

(+44): Walk of Shame time yet?
(1+44): Dude she’s 6″2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen’s fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?

(410): I hope by “this kid” you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.

(641): Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree…Top that.

(440): I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
(1-440): please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation.

(303): Hit a parked car with a “property of Jesus Christ” bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary’s and left it on the windshield.

(425): It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like “This is my girlfriend, Erica,” and I was like, “This is my milkshake, Oreo.”.

(559): So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk…is that true?
(1-559): That depends on who this is.

(915): I told you I was good to drive
(1-915): dumbass I drove… you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate.

(281): he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says “i’ve gone as far in society as i’d like to.”.

(401): Renamed my iPod as ‘the titantic’ so when I plug it in it’s says ‘the titantic is syncing.’.

(215): My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was “You’re lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground..”.

(585): please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad

TFLN Tuesday

A day late! But brought to by TFLN

(412): words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.

(412): Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, “butter faces”.

(425): you started crying because you didn’t get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
(206): youre the best friend ever.

(202): Umm ok I’m kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.

(760): I just had a librarian tell me that “wikipedia is like sex”
(760): When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. “you’re going to do it either way, so I’m just going to tell you how to do it safely.”.

(317): so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher…I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you.

(512): he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
(806): he probably also told you he thought u were prett

(678): I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.

(516): doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine.

(412): Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
(1-412): bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
(412): This is sufficient.

(847): then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I’m 95% sure its for a restraining order.

(402): You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
(1-402): I like it rough.

(+81): I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
(+61): You’re never coming back, are you?

(773): I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
(847): Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.

(203): I can’t, I’m busy. I’ve been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.

(703): i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move.

(269): So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that “lets make some tacos” and proceeded to the kitchen… naked… I’m buying the ring tomorrow
(1-269): Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10.

(847): woke up in my one night stand’s bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said “normally i’d tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i’ll let it go.” Score.

(+44): I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back.

(203): i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year.

(208): you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
(1-208): did we at least go back and get it?
(208): how else do you think we got jack in the box…?

(601): Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? .

(816): and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
(1-816): Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
(816): outstanding.

(843): Dude she let me cum on her face
(1-843): You have the wrong number I’m the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning.

(708): so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.

(203): Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying “i hope you like it” sent to his phone
(1-203): whose oscar?
(203): the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.

(952): I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
(612): I didnt dude, i swear!
(952): either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon.

(980): I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
(704): oh, you finally did the dishes then?
(980): No, bought new ones.

(814): You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum…

(318): why is allison so mad at me??
(469): me and her walked into dans and you yelled “hello my dear alli, you’re looking mighty overweight today!”.
(318): crap..