SAHM vs Working Mom – Advice Requested!

I am just so tired with my job. Emotionally exhausted by having to come here on a daily basis and feel like I”m literally wasting my life away. Wasting time I could have watching my children grow up. Time that I can’t ever have back. I never thought I would be a SAHM and when I was pregnant with Bear it wasn’t something I would have ever considered. Though at that point I was newly graduated from college and had only been working at my job for a year. I was so naive.

When I was pregnant with Bella it was definitely something I considered slightly, when I was on maternity leave and actually enjoying it I considered it even more, and once I got back to work it was something that was constantly on my mind. After all in those three months my whole life changed and nothing here has changed. Re-reading old work related posts I am flummoxed by just how little anything has changed. It disgusts me the kind of inter-personal relations that happen here. I hate being around the Prof.

On Sunday I had a really important realization. I took the kids to the park while the H was at band practice and it was a beautiful day.

Bella had her first swing ride and as I was pushing Bear alongside her I realized not only could I be a SAHM its something I actually want to do. I’ve wanted to have a third child since pretty much the moment Bella was born. I was consumed with the feeling of the finality of this. I knew this couldn’t be the last time I was pregnant, the last time I gave birth, the last time I held my newborn. Plus, I want Bella to have the sister I never had.

Then I thought of all of the things that stress me out on a continuous basis: work, my weight, money, cleaning the house, cooking dinner, snapping at the kids. And I’m sure I’m being extremely idealistic after all I recall quite a few days on leave and Mondays were I’ve wanted nothing but a big glass of wine to get me through the day, but I think fundamentally so many of my stresses would be alleviated if I was just at home. If I had the time to plan and make a dinner, to vacuum the house quick, to actually exercise. Things I don’t feel like I can do working till 6 pm.

When I get home from work now I pick up the H, pick up the kids, and then drive home quick to let the dogs out, fix Bear a snack before we drive him over to his summer activity. After class we get home and its 7:30 and Bella goes straight to bed and we have no time to fix Bear (or anyone) a proper dinner before its bedtime. I don’t feel like I get to spend any time with Bella (while she’s awake) and I’m snapping and irritable at Bear because there is NO TIME TO DO ANYTHING.

So much of my day at work is spent with me just putting the hours in. How is this a good use of my time? Of my life? When I could be watching my beautiful children grow up. Listening to Bear tell scary stories, or go on bear hunts or look for mysteries. After all I am Shaggy to his Scooby Doo. And Bella is so little, exploring everything and she’ll be standing unsupported soon and then walking and I will only vaguely recall these moments of her crawling drooly face the 3 out of 4 days a week when I really got to see her.

Regardless of the finanical implications of it, I’m fundamentally curious about people who were working and decided to stay home:

• Do you regret being a SAHM?
• How did you decide to become a SAHM and/or why did you decide to remain a Working Mom?

(Edited) Why am I Not Enough?

I had the original of this posted for about 40 minutes before I decided to add a password to it. I realized that it went into the realm of just too personal and too angsty for my taste. Its an example of how sometimes I dislike like the concept of writing for someone (you the reader) instead of for myself.

Here is the edited version:

Disclaimer: I thoroughly apologize for the angsty middle school prose that is about to follow.

I have just returned from a work happy hour with friends in other departments. I promptly before even reaching the handle of my Subaru Forester started to cry. As best as I tried to compose myself and try my FIL’s suggesting of yelling out my frustrations I quickly realized I’m neither frustrated nor angry. I am simply sad.

My close friend and co-worker, the DBA, has gotten a new position in another corporation and leaves the 13th of May. I am beyond happy for her for getting out of the Museum and getting a huge promotion and raise. Its a game changer for her. Of course, I feel jealously at her success but that is far out weighed by my happiness for her. I found out however that they have an internal candidate that they are considering for her position. Our other friend, The Y&F Program Manager.

While I absolutely think he would be qualified for the position, I don’t see how he is any more qualified than I am. We’re the same age. I’ve been at the Museum longer. We have the same (lack of ) SQL knowledge. The same interest and power user status in our database. We are in different divisions and have specialized skills relevant to those. But I wasn’t considered even though I would so obviously want this and its in line with the career path I want.

It brings up every insecurity I’ve ever had and worked so hard to overcome.

I’m overwhelmed with the feeling of why am I not good enough?

All I can hear in my head are The Prof’s words echoing in my head about how he’s disappointed in me, he’s lost trust me. I’m starting to think maybe there is validity in that.  I’m doubting myself. Maybe the reason why in 5 years I haven’t gotten anywhere is because he’s right. I’m not good enough. I’m not smart enough. I don’t work hard enough.

And I’m crying now not only because I feel this way again, but because I have worked so hard not to ever ever feel this way again. Not to ever let these tears fall, not to let myself fall into this downward spiral because I know where it goes. I’ve been there, at the bottom. I don’t ever want to claw my way back up from the darkness again.

I can’t not take it personally. They are my friends. They who know me and my work so well and don’t think that I’m not good enough. I’m never good enough. I’m just okay. I’m nice. All I am is nice. And sometimes funny. I’m just the nice funny girl.

Protected: Why Am I Not Enough?

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There’s No Crying in Baseball

I don’t “believe” in crying at work. I’ve done it twice in the 5 years I’ve worked here and the last time was technically off site after the session ended so the only thing that qualifies it as “at work” was that it was in front of The Campaign Assistant. The other time was two years ago when I was told I couldn’t be on the planning committee for the conference I attend, and I cried in front of two of my IT friends.

I’ve never cried in front of the Prof.

I never want him to feel like he has that kind of power over me. I never want to give him the self satisfaction that he has the ability to cause me that kind of emotional stress. He definitely does, but I don’t want him to know about it. Plus, there’s the part of me that generally feels like crying at work is inappropriate and that it makes women in the workplace look bad that we get emotional and breakdown.

My friend/co-worker, the New Mom, was just crying. For the second time in two weeks in front of the Prof. I 100% sympathize, last time she cried I was having a shit awful day and almost joined in myself. But at the same time now she has this reputation for being “emotional.” She’s cried in front of the Dragon Lady in her previous position so its been something the higher ups have been aware of. In fact, when the Prospect Researcher got laid of last week she got asked if she wanted to take the day off because it might be too emotional for her.

I think that’s some BS. Why is she getting treated differently? She gets things sugar coated for her because people worry about upsetting her. No one sugar coats shit for me. The Prof flat out told me I suck on Tuesday and that I need to “step up.” Just because I’m strong enough not to get emotional, doesn’t mean that I should get treated like shit because I can “take it.” It’s a frustrating double standard.

Also, I should note the New Mom didn’t do anything wrong, the Dragon Lady just as usual overreacted and projected on the Prof who then in turn talked to the New Mom about it. Perhaps the issue is more that management needs to get their act together because they’re going to lose their staff to the looney bin soon.

Husband #FAIL

As if my day couldn’t have gotten worse: I picked the kids up from daycare and was informed by the teacher that she just took Bear’s temp and it was 102, he was lethargic and sensitive all afternoon. Just great! Two sick kids!

I get home and am telling Bear that I had a bad day too. My boss was mean to me again. I explain in a nutshell to the H what prof said to me (that I cut corners and am unprofessional, he’s lost trust in me). The H’s response: Is there any credence to that? My response: What does that mean? The H: Well, do you cut corners?

I thought I was going to punch him right in the face. Instead I took Bear whom I was carrying in my arms this whole time and locked ourselves in the bathroom under the pretense I was taking his temperature. Which I did, it was 101.5.

Are you fucking kidding me? As I explained to the H in a huffy tone as I was getting ready to walk out the door (luckily Bear wanted yogurt for dinner which we needed to buy at the store) that it would not have occurred to anyone to ask me that because no one who knows me or the Prof would think there was any accuracy to that statement. That I’m so happy that he knows me so well and has so much faith in my professional abilities. He kept trying to say that he wanted to know if there was any justification to Prof’s response. But that’s precisely the point. How could he think there was any justification?

I’m too tired to be livid. I’m so drained that I can’t even properly have this argument.

We just got back from the store and I told him I have to pump because I was so busy cutting corners today I only got to do it once.

Yes, I am overwhelmingly passive aggressive.