Tag Archives: Sex

Unspoken, a Story.

12 Aug

Written for the red dress club. Topic: write about sex without writing about the actual act. Because you always want to leave a little to the imagination.

 

“What is it that you said that one night, that you care about me. What the fuck was that?” Her body slides down the wall and she lands on his cold wooden floors.

She brings her knees to her chest, bows her head down and sobs.

He pushes the wooden chair out of the way, leans against the wall and slides down with her. Stretches his long legs under the table and closes his eyes.

They sit there, for what seems like hours, like eternity passing. She cries and whimpers. “Can I have a tissue?” she finally asks.

He gets up, knees cracking. Walks to the bathroom, pulls from the toilet paper roll and rips off the sheets. He stands at her feet, their toes touching. She looks up. Her face red, swollen, the tears crusted to cheeks, her nose running down into her lips. She’s so beautiful, he thinks. She takes the tissue, “more please.”

He hands her the tissue, still standing. She pulls herself up and walks to her purse on the floor and pulls out her cigarette and lighter. Tosses the Kleenex in the trash, opens the back door and breathes the fresh air. She quivers.

He watches her. His phone vibrates. He reaches his long arms into his jeans. Looks at the screen, the name flashing on the screen, the vibration in his palm. Puts it back in his pocket and walks into the kitchen.

He sees her back through the window. The sun is reflecting off her dark hair and he can see the specks of red throughout it. Sees the way a slight wave occurs at the nape of her neck and some hairs go in and some go out. Her tan shoulders shake, she inhales and exhales.

“Do you want something to drink?”

She turns, her green eyes rimmed with tears, her face and chest splotchy and red. “Some water, please” the tears slip off her eyes and glide down her cheeks. One stays stuck at the edge, desperately clinging to the skin, not wanting to fall.

He turns and opens the refrigerator. His mind completely blank. His fingertips cold. He walks the water out to her, leaning against the door to keep it open.

“Thank you,” she says.

He looks at her. He knows he needs to say something. He knows it’s his cue, but he just watches her. The tear is still on her cheek.

“I guess I should probably go,” she says.

She walks past him. Places her dirty glass next to the multitude on the counter, next to the bottles of beer and wine. She wants to stay and clean. She walks into his bedroom. Sits upon his bed and reaches out for her shoes. Steadying herself in her high heels, in last night’s clothes. She scans the room for whatever small reminders of her may linger, her scent on his sheets, the indent of her head on the pillow. She stands in the doorway.

“You’re just going to let me leave aren’t you?”

He looks up at her. His eyes run from her face down to her body past the waist he held, the legs he spread, onto the floor. “We knew this could never be anything else.” He finally says.

“But there was always a chance, that’s what you can’t seem to understand.” She wipes the dangling tear off her face and it absorbs into her fingertips.

Silence covers the room. Light flickers through the blinds. At an impasse neither of them speaks. Their breaths align.

Bye Bye Rabbit

21 Jun Sex and the City

A postscript to my previous post “The One Where We Talk About Sex

Warning: This is way more explicit than previous post, so move along to different posts for some family friendly mommy bloggy reading. Like this one about how my daughter doesn’t like to cuddle.

I was 23 years old when I got my first vibrator. Which to my friends seemed like ancient. How have you lived so long without one? they wondered incredulously. You, with the whole Sex and the City Dvd set, doesn’t own a vibrator? You, who lost her virginity (17) before any of us? Yes me, the vibrator virgin.

It was September 10, 2009, and I was driving to Omaha for a friend’s wedding with three male friends and one of their girlfriends who I was meeting for the second time. I know the exact date because in my iphone I still have the note created at 1:36 pm with directions to Romantix the store we had googled that wasn’t too far off the path. The Economist, whose sexual exploits were well known in our group of friends, demanded that we must correct this wrong. He also a connoisseur of proper sexual toys encouraged me to purchase a Doc Johnson chocolate.

I didn’t bring it out until I was safely returned to Minnesota, after all what kind of girl do you think I am?, and it was alright. At best it was merely awkward. I googled how to instructions as I’m an instruction follower what can I say. I just couldn’t disassociate myself  from reality which was me awkwardly in my guest bedroom/office glancing at the computer screen of what I was to do next. Despite its chocolate color, it was nothing like my ex. It was after all toy, but not even a toy as I knew it for it didn’t resemble the countless amounts of plastic battery operated objects that were next door in Bear’s room.

Since I couldn’t actually bring myself to try and focus on anything sexy, I had to google it so I’d have something to look at that wasn’t the ceiling and photos of Bear. And it was better than okay, it was borderline great. I must confess its impossible for me to orgasm. While I certainly have small little baby mini sort of ones often, real orgasms the way you see in movies I could count on two hands and never because of my own two hands. I decided that it must be the toy, I needed something better, I need the real thing. The thing Sex and the City made famous. I needed the Rabbit.

As Amazon tells me, I purchased the Grape Rabbit Pearl on September 14, 2009. Clearly I wasted no time. And it was pretty awesome, after of course I read the instruction manual, and I don’t think I was even using it correctly either. I began pleasuring myself at a shockingly young age. An age so young that now as a parent seems even more so fucking young I’m not even going to frighten you with the age.  I think as an adult I was sort of over it, kind of a been there done that mentality. Plus, of course my success rate was paltry so why even bother. The Rabbit was great, but required a lot of quiet alone time I didn’t possess or often chose to instead to spend watching TV and eating something delicious. My priorities have always been clear.

I tried recently to pull the bad boy out of the storage where he’d been collecting dust since probably October of 2009 when I quickly grew bored of him, went to Mexico, got knocked up and forgot what sex was all together.  I realized I’m just not that kind of girl. I’m never going to be really comfortable putting a vibrating plastic object near my beavie like its normal. I can barely turn off my brain to do it with my husband much less during my precious alone minutes.

So I’m declaring on June 21, 2011, bye bye to the Rabbit. You were fun, for that month, three years ago.

The One Where We Talk About Sex

2 Jun tumblr_l8gvgjSDrV1qaojszo1_400

I started this in December and its been a blank page since then. Just an idea I’ve been mulling on but not sure how I want to write about or if I want to write about. Too personal? But then I read Mooshinindy‘s blog about her depression and that’s too personal. I read bloggingdangerously‘s blog about sex and that’s too personal. Yet, I’m still afraid to really step out and do it. But lets do it. Lets talk about sex.

I’m just not that into it. Sex that is. I can’t say I’ve always been this way, but I’ve been this way for awhile. About four years, wait when was Bear born? Oh yeah, four years ago, yup that sounds about right. I just don’t see the point in it. In terms of fun activities, there are so many other things I’d rather do. Like sleep. Or watch Bravo. As for intimacy, I feel intimacy and love with the H thru so many different things that I don’t need sex to feel close to him. To me it feels like an obligation, a chore, something I should do. And this conversation seems very taboo to me. Everyone always jokes about when you get married the sex slows down and when you have kids, forget about it. But they joke about it. No one ends the joke with, “yeah seriously that’s true”.

Well for me it’s true.

I don’t feel sexy. A lot of that is rooted in my feelings about my weight and appearance. After I had lost all the weight and did feel and look sexy, sex was something I was much more interested in. Certainly not on the same levels as Kit, but much more so than now. So I know a part of the issue is my perceptions of my appearance, except I’m not really motivated to do anything about it. I don’t feel like I need to look sexy. Who am I trying to impress here?

Then there’s of course breastfeeding. The times we’ve had sex I’ve told the H that they’re off limits, Bella’s got them on loan for the next year. I have this overwhelming fear of “activating” and milk squirting everywhere; you can imagine it I’m sure. Gross you out? Me too. Funny? A little bit.

Does anyone else feel this way? I read Kit’s blog and magazines and find myself wondering, do people really have this much sex? Really? Am I the odd woman out? Or am I the only one daring crazy masochistic enough to admit it?

Marilyn or Jackie

29 Dec

I’ve been thinking about the whole concept of Marilyn or Jackie since well at least since the comment on Mad Men, but probably long before that as well. Today I read a blog post that I think summed up the Marilyn/Jackie thing wonderfully.

There are many things I don’t like to think about because the not knowing would drive me crazy (life on other planets, creation of man, religion, etc) but I feel like understanding myself is something that I can learn in my lifetime so I often struggle with trying to define myself especially when I seem to always be so conflicting. I feel like I often have a split personality because I feel so passionate about so many things that contradict one another. What I want changes every second, consistency is something I don’t remotely have. I’m genuinely struggling to decide who I am and who I want to be.

I tend to often define myself by men or through men. Something my therapist is convinced has to do with deep seeded daddy issues. I think its more than that. I feel reconciled on some level with my father. I know I will never be good enough for him and that’s fine. Sure I hate feeling ignored by him, but on some level I don’t really care anymore. If he’s not paying attention to me than he’s not hurting me.

But I like attention. A lot. And Power and Control. I’ve blogged about all of those things. And sex is the best way for me to get it. I like having people look at me, desire me. And if I’m in the mood I will play to that crowd, I will be a Marilyn. But I’d say 70% of the time I’m a Jackie. I might be a Marilyn pretending to be a Jackie, but I”m damn good at it. I will fix your dinner, clean our house, entertain our guests and put our children to bed. I will lay around in my jammies and watch Lost for hours (though I’m not sure that’s either Marilyn or Jackie behavior) but I have this desire to walk into a bar wearing black thigh high boots, tiny red shorts, a black leather jacket and a whip. I love the concept of someone watching me have sex or posing in Playboy. I like to exploit my sexuality (sometimes).

Its that caveat. That’s “sometimes”. Because I want to be a Jackie too. I love to decorate my house and bake cakes, and throw parties and I could watch Bear laugh all day. And I want more kids. I want a big family. A huge Christmas at my house where I prepare all of the food. I want that.

I want to be some sort of Jackie/Marilyn superhero. Jackie by day, Marilyn by night.

But I don’t want to be Marilyn in my bedroom, I want to be Marilyn at the party, at the bar, in your bedroom. I want to be Jackie to my husband and Marilyn to the crowd. It goes along with this deep desire to be famous, to be known. I don’t want to sit in my cube at work unknown by the world, I hate the famous actresses that are my age and younger. How did they do it? What do they have that I don’t?

It’s fear. It’s fear that holds me back. Fear of actually pursuing dreams I have in fear that I will fail, be ridiculed or that I will simply change my mind.

So instead I do fail. I fail everyday when I sit back and let the Jackie side of me always win.

the Scarlet M or my take on Marriage

17 Aug

I’ve been thinking about this since the Party Bus, in which it became quite clear to me that being married is like wearing a giant M across your body that screams for people (specifically men) to run far far in the other direction. And I’m slightly perplexed why. Am I hoping for too much that people aren’t existing to only fuck one another? That is to say if you’re single you’re only out to find someone to hook up with and thus ignore everyone else and if you’re in a relationship you can’t focus on anyone but your significant other?

Perhaps I have a very skewed idea of what male/female relationships are like, or what marriage means to other people, but I disagree and am sort of offended. I don’t consider being married to mean that you shouldn’t venture 30 feet from your significant other and that you can only speak to people the same sex as you. Its 2009 and I’m not that kind of girl, I didn’t even take my husband’s last name. I don’t see why being married should prohibit me from talking to men (or make them not talk to me), or flirt with me, or dance with me. I’m not going to go home with them, and if they try to feel me up on the dance floor I’m going to ask them to get me some water and run away. But I think we can have fun before that.

I wore my wedding ring when I went on the party bus (why wouldn’t I?) and had a great time and was having a wonderful time with 3 boys (who apparently never learned to look at someone’s left hand) until the moment they found out I was married and literally disappeared right before my eyes. After 4 hours of talking to me I thought we were getting to be friends, apparently they were just hoping to get in my pants and upon realizing they couldn’t decide to focus their attentions elsewhere. What is up with that?!

I find that the same is true of my actual male friends (i’m speaking more to my friends in Chicago, as my friends in MN have always known me with the husband). There’s a certain subset of them who continue to treat me the way they’ve always have (and should) but a certain group of them to do sort of make me feel like I have the plague because of their limited interactions with me to which a friend of mine poignantly mentioned that I was married as though that should explain why my friends wouldn’t talk/flirt/compliment/dance with me.

I guess I just don’t see marriage that way. Perhaps to me there’s a very fine line between marriage and a regular relationship that doesn’t exist for other people. I’m supposing that’s why they’re so afraid of the concept. I’m sorry romantics out there, marriage isn’t going to change your relationship no more than losing your virginity changed you. You’re still the same people, with the same feelings, you just have a shiny ring and a signed contract saying you hope this thing is going to work out.

Perhaps I’m too realistic, perhaps I’m jaded. Who knows. I love my husband, probably why I married him. I certainly hope/intend to stick it out with him until the end. But only as long as we’re happy and still giving each other what we need. I don’t feel anymore bound to him than I did before we were married except that it’d be a real hassle to end it. I think that entering into a marriage thinking it’s going to be happily ever after until death do you part is naive. One certainly hopes for that but I acknowledge the possibility that it just might not.

I don’t think that married men/women shouldn’t be allowed to have friendships with people of the opposite sex or talk to strangers at a bar. I would hope that you trust your significant other enough to know that it wouldn’t go beyond that. Plus, a person isn’t any less likely to cheat when married then when in a regular relationship. Being married doesn’t change who a person is or how they feel about things. And I hate that other people seem to think it does and thus treat you differently.

Perhaps I’m too sexual of a person and that offends people or perhaps simply I want attention from men that society feels is inappropriate for a married woman. I’m going to be honest about these being possibilities. But I’m also going to be honest about the fact that I don’t feel like I should be treated different because I’m married and I hate when people answer questions with “You’re married” as if that’s supposed to change things for me. Maybe other people go through a magical transformation when they say “I Do” but I didn’t. I’ve always been me and I have no intention to change that just because I know that I love my husband and that right now I can see myself being happy with him forever.

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