To My Son on His Fifth Birthday

Dear Bear,
How is it possibly that five years have flown by? When did you grow to be less of a little child and more a friend? Even at five I value your advice as deeply as those given by many much older than you. In fact often yours is more wise. For you do not understand the unfortunate dynamics of grown up life, but see life simply as it ought to be viewed. And I thank you. I thank you for being this wonderful little boy, who will grow up to be the best man.

I do not pat myself on the back as a job well done. Instead I acknowledge that this is simply your nature, a gift from the heavens to have a son that delights me every day. Sure, sometimes you rattled on and I must confess I tune you out or even wish you would be silent for just a moment. But it is your excitement. Your abounding joy, that makes you so special.

You see life as a gift and every moment as an opportunity. But more than that you love and feel so deeply. More than any child I have ever known. You love like I love. With every ounce of your blood and if that is the only thing you have learned from me, then I will pat myself on the back.

Your relationship with your little sister is one that constantly astonishes me. Being an only child, it is a bond I don’t readily understand. But you love her and care for her in a way that I wouldn’t have expected from a small child. It’s the unrequested hugs and kisses you give each other. The fact that you play with her without being asked. That you look out for her.

My heart melted when you fed her dinner because I was too sick to do so. Carefully placing each strawberry in her mouth and waiting until she finished before giving another. Your sense of responsibility when you say things to me like, “I’m going to the basement, you watch Bella now” is appreciated and surprising.

This past year has seen so much excitement. Your first time to Wisconsin Dells were you braved every water slide you were tall enough for. A whole summer of sports and activities. Your first hair cut.

Your current loves remain Bakugans and Scooby Doo. In fact you were Scooby Doo this past Halloween. You seem to devour every show on Cartoon Network, and still love to watch movies picking through a constantly growing collection. You no longer have a favorite movie that you watch repeatability like you once did.

You still seem to side with your dad as an advocate against vegetables and trying new foods, something that distresses me greatly. Trust me, as someone who married a person like that you don’t want to do that to your future spouse! Your favorite foods seem to be pizza and any sort of candy. You and your sister both seem to have the same sweet tooth as your dad. Speaking of teeth you lost your very first tooth days shy of your 5th birthday.

You have many friends and love them dearly. You speak of each of them often regaling us with stories of games you played. Sometimes, it pains me to hear, one of your friends isn’t particularly nice. Which hurts you as deeply as it hurts me. You look up at me and ask why would he do that, and sadly I have no answer to give you. A lesson I wish you weren’t already learning.

We had our first trip to Disney World this year, and you had no fear. Braving Splash Mountain again and again. You even went on the Tower of Terror twice which was something I even struggled to consider doing at all.

I love you so much and I hope you have the best birthday today and I’m excited for the big year ahead. You’ve already begun learning your sight words and are improving your handwriting. Now if only you just didn’t make your letters so big. Your very first day of kindergarten seems to be approaching at a rapid pace and I can’t wait for all the new adventures.

With all of my love,

Mommy

Proud.

I very rarely talk about controversial issues. However, I have posted my thoughts on gender and gay marriage before. I have always been clear about it. There is nothing that I find more disgusting then when someone tries to tell another person who they can and can’t love. You have no right to tell my friends who they can be or be with and I will go to my grave fighting for them. One of my best friends, the GodMummy, is getting married in 2013. I will be her bridesmaid. Bear, her godson, will be a ring bearer and if I have my way Bella will be one of the flower girls too. There is nothing that makes me more proud than to be able to stand next to her as she gets married to her wife. As a mother, nothing makes me happier than to show my children firsthand that marriage and love are gender irrelevant.

My mother and I had a big argument about gender on Saturday. As I drove the hour to meet a friend of mine I called her and flouted the idea of me going to Greece with a friend of mine. A male friend of mine. Her reaction was tantamount to me declaring my decision to run a brothel. The problem was not that I was going on vacation, not that I was going without the H, but that I was going with a man. Yes, on the surface I understand why this is perceived as odd. I get it, but her reaction was disproportionate to the situation. Who cares what gender my friend is. He is in fact, just a friend. Our conversation took a severe left turn about the differences in gender and I stood by my belief that there shouldn’t be any.

This is how our conversation went:

Men and women are just different. Men don’t wear makeup.

But they can and if they wanted to, they should.

But that’s wrong.

Why, why is it wrong?

Because it is.

But why?

You’re saying if you went to the bank and the male teller had on make up that wouldn’t make you uncomfortable?

No.

If the H wanted to wear eye shadow you’d be fine with it?

I’d take him to Sephora.

Well would you pee in a store?

Um no.

Why?

Well because its wrong.

Exactly.

To be clear, you’re comparing a man wearing makeup to urinating in a store?

 

Needless to say, we never came to a resolution.

So what do you think: Do you think a man and woman can be friends and go on a vacation together? Do you think men can wear makeup? What are your thoughts on public urination?

Humbled

I haven’t been present lately. Not writing, not commenting, not reading. I have spent most days crying. Sometimes so much so that I’ve made myself sick. I’m not ready yet to go into detail about what is happening, but needless to say its work related. 

I am having a horrendous time separating work from home. My family feels the outcome of that. I have to field questions from Bear why his mother is crying all the time. I have to overhear my 4.5 year old son say to his father “I’ve had a tough time” emits sobs. A phrase that hears frequently from his mother. Things that once brought me joy (hosting Thanksgiving for my friends) no longer do. I had to force myself to get out of bed and begin preparations. 

My tears come sporadically uncontrollably often even when I don’t want them to like in front of my mother in law as she picks up my kids to babysit. 

I am humbled because last week I asked on twitter and personally via email to every contact I have. Former colleagues, friends, ex-boyfriends, everyone if they know of a position in the Twin Cities. It no longer matters to me what I do, but for my health and sanity and the well being of myself and my family I have to leave my current job. And so many responded. So many people offerred to help or offerred sympathy. 

After being so beaten down I no longer have faith in myself. To see so many people that I know in various ways offer assistance was beyond humbling. So I ask you now, dear readers, if you would please look in your networks and see if there are any available jobs in the Twin Cities that you know of. My background is in fundraising, IT, customer service and admin. 

Thank you so much. 

A Mother’s Take on #OccupyWallstreet

I will admit; I am probably not as educated on this as I should be. Yes, I have read a smattering of Time, Newsweek and other newspapers articles on this if I see them tweeted or someone sends it to me. Yes, I have perused picture galleries filled with hundreds of protestors aligned together with clever signs and purpose. Some of my closest friends spend days participating and organizing #OccupyChicago. I should know more. I should. But I don’t.

What I do know is what I see in my own life. What I do know is that I grew up in one of the most affluent suburbs of Chicago, although my parent’s debt always outweighed the perception of wealth that we had. I grew up seeing what the 1% had, and wanting it. I moved to Minnesota for college and the difference in class was striking to me. My parent’s two bedroom condo could buy me acres in Minnesota.

As I graduated college, having paid out of state tuition, I was left with insurmountable student loan debt. And I had grants; I had a full year paid. Yet still I was carrying $44,923.17 to be paid off over the course of my life.

I got pregnant straight out of college. It wasn’t intentional and while I did debate my right to choose what to do I decided to keep the little baby that was to become Bear. Perhaps, if I hadn’t made that choice I would have been in a better position financially. While my friends got out of college, traveled the world, lived in their parent’s houses, found jobs and saved money I had to immediately start paying for and caring for a child.

My hospital bills for Bear were more than we could bear. It took us a full year to pay them off. While I was pregnant with Bella two years ago I got a second job that I worked in addition to my full time job in order to be able to pay for the impending debt. A few weeks into my pregnancy I started bleeding. In the midst of crying in the bathroom, I told the H I didn’t want to go to the hospital because I was afraid of the cost. And it did cost. It cost me to wait in an ER for hours with a three year old boy while I was examined and poked and prodded and had an internal sonogram to tell me that no one I was in fact not miscarrying my second child.

We bought our house before the market crashed. My house is now worth $40,000 less than I paid for it. My mortgage payment while fixed is higher than it was three years ago because the property taxes have gone up and I didn’t have enough in escrow to cover it so it was added to my payment.

When the H took a new job in his company this past September it allowed him to actually like his job, and placed him on a path for much more career growth than if he had stayed in his previous position. But it costs me $400 a month for him to go to his new job. His schedule change and we had to send the kids to an extra day in daycare. My daycare bill is more than my mortgage.

Yes, I could send my children to an in home facility. I could pay less. But I want them to have the best that they can, and they do. I never feel amount of hesitation dropping them off at school because I know they are probably getting more from there than they even would at home with me.

I could give you numbers. Of the balance on my credit cards, the amount in my checking account, the red number that appears when you subtract our income from our expenses. But you don’t need them. You can probably look at your own account.

There are people, not many, that have more money than they could ever spend in a lifetime. That have things they will never use or never needed. That have a wealth that rivals the kings. There are people that will leave all their assets to their dogs before a dime sees the hands of a well deserving charity.  There are many people, that have much much less than I do.

Fundamentally, there shouldn’t be this immense discrepancy. My kids should be able to go to the doctor when they are sick and not stay home because I don’t want to pay the co-pay. I deserve to go to the hospital to be reassured that I’m not having a miscarriage. I deserve the education that I got. My kids deserve to go to a place every day where they are cared for and taught by loving people.  My family deserves to eat, to be warm in the winter and cool in the summer. Every family does.

Which is why this mom stands with the 99%.

Two Moons

On Tuesday night at 9:54 my mother sent me an email. There was no subject. No text. Just a photo.

After my initial reaction of WTF I realized it was a photo of the moon. So I went outside and looked for mine. I could see the clouds and the sky was a dark blue color, not as black as I’d imagine on a September night. Slowly, from behind the clouds the moon appeared. Standing on my tiptoes on the deck I reached my phone as high as I could to catch the moon as it emerged from behind the clouds and I sent her this picture:

Then silence.

On Wednesday night she left me a very passive aggressive bitchy voicemail.

So much for the moons.

She accepted no responsibility and offered no apology. I apologized for the portion I felt I was wrong in and we left it at that. We reconciled. Because I forgive too easy.

Always the pushover.

I need to grow some balls.

When we arrived in Chicago last night I was immedietly getting ready to meet friends for dinner. As I was getting ready to leave my mother complimented me on my outfit, patted my stomach and told me I’ve gained some weight. Then she told me I was too sensitive.

This weekend is going to be such a blast.