Insatiable

I have two other posts in draft that I ought to publish because the topic is better, but they feel flat to me. Perhaps because this is the post that is entangled in my mind. Lately, I’ve felt this insatiable hunger. (If you follow me on twitter you would have heard all about it, in fact you should be following me on twitter.) No matter what I eat I feel unfulfilled. I said to E the other day that I’m trying to eat my feelings. He asked which feelings. Good Question.

I don’t know.

There is obviously something wrong, but unlike usual I cannot pinpoint it. On paper everything is great. Even if you add up all the wrong pieces together, string them up and bind them, there is not enough for this. This appetite that cannot be suppressed. This cold ambivalence. I feel stagnant. Stuck in this mud of life and I don’t even have the energy to try and pull myself out, so I’m wallowing.

I think it’s my job. I think it’s spending so many hours here, my brain on pause. The boredom stifling me to the point where I don’t even want to read the endless amount of blogs that sit unread in my reader. I am still so disappointed that the job didn’t work out. I will try again in December with an email to the one, and then an email to the other perhaps in February. I will wave my hand saying, “I’m still interested! Pick me!” Maybe I’ll go through one more conference and then leave altogether. The problem is, I don’t want to start at the bottom and I don’t want to do fundraising anymore. I want to do consulting for the product I love so much.

There’s of course money too. I posted about my take on Occupy Wall Street, but I didn’t get into the details. I try not think about it, brush it under the rug. How much worse it really is than it seems. Just in time for the holidays.

Then well the insatiable appetite has led to even less clothing that could fit me. I went to Target and bought clothes there for the first time on Monday. Big Girl clothes. Spanx and their friends. Bras that could fit my face. Jeans in sizes that should only describe men’s shoes. When did this happen?

I would like to be pregnant again. It tugs at me, this longing. It scares me. This would be the last time. I want it, but I don’t want it to be the last time. Like when I first read the Harry Potter series I read so slowly, I couldn’t wait to get to the next page, but I didn’t want it to be over yet.

These are the things that are in my mind. Swirling together, but their mass doesn’t amount to whatever is going on. It’s not depression, at least not one I’ve ever known. Its indifference.

When did I become so indifferent in my life?

A Mother’s Take on #OccupyWallstreet

I will admit; I am probably not as educated on this as I should be. Yes, I have read a smattering of Time, Newsweek and other newspapers articles on this if I see them tweeted or someone sends it to me. Yes, I have perused picture galleries filled with hundreds of protestors aligned together with clever signs and purpose. Some of my closest friends spend days participating and organizing #OccupyChicago. I should know more. I should. But I don’t.

What I do know is what I see in my own life. What I do know is that I grew up in one of the most affluent suburbs of Chicago, although my parent’s debt always outweighed the perception of wealth that we had. I grew up seeing what the 1% had, and wanting it. I moved to Minnesota for college and the difference in class was striking to me. My parent’s two bedroom condo could buy me acres in Minnesota.

As I graduated college, having paid out of state tuition, I was left with insurmountable student loan debt. And I had grants; I had a full year paid. Yet still I was carrying $44,923.17 to be paid off over the course of my life.

I got pregnant straight out of college. It wasn’t intentional and while I did debate my right to choose what to do I decided to keep the little baby that was to become Bear. Perhaps, if I hadn’t made that choice I would have been in a better position financially. While my friends got out of college, traveled the world, lived in their parent’s houses, found jobs and saved money I had to immediately start paying for and caring for a child.

My hospital bills for Bear were more than we could bear. It took us a full year to pay them off. While I was pregnant with Bella two years ago I got a second job that I worked in addition to my full time job in order to be able to pay for the impending debt. A few weeks into my pregnancy I started bleeding. In the midst of crying in the bathroom, I told the H I didn’t want to go to the hospital because I was afraid of the cost. And it did cost. It cost me to wait in an ER for hours with a three year old boy while I was examined and poked and prodded and had an internal sonogram to tell me that no one I was in fact not miscarrying my second child.

We bought our house before the market crashed. My house is now worth $40,000 less than I paid for it. My mortgage payment while fixed is higher than it was three years ago because the property taxes have gone up and I didn’t have enough in escrow to cover it so it was added to my payment.

When the H took a new job in his company this past September it allowed him to actually like his job, and placed him on a path for much more career growth than if he had stayed in his previous position. But it costs me $400 a month for him to go to his new job. His schedule change and we had to send the kids to an extra day in daycare. My daycare bill is more than my mortgage.

Yes, I could send my children to an in home facility. I could pay less. But I want them to have the best that they can, and they do. I never feel amount of hesitation dropping them off at school because I know they are probably getting more from there than they even would at home with me.

I could give you numbers. Of the balance on my credit cards, the amount in my checking account, the red number that appears when you subtract our income from our expenses. But you don’t need them. You can probably look at your own account.

There are people, not many, that have more money than they could ever spend in a lifetime. That have things they will never use or never needed. That have a wealth that rivals the kings. There are people that will leave all their assets to their dogs before a dime sees the hands of a well deserving charity.  There are many people, that have much much less than I do.

Fundamentally, there shouldn’t be this immense discrepancy. My kids should be able to go to the doctor when they are sick and not stay home because I don’t want to pay the co-pay. I deserve to go to the hospital to be reassured that I’m not having a miscarriage. I deserve the education that I got. My kids deserve to go to a place every day where they are cared for and taught by loving people.  My family deserves to eat, to be warm in the winter and cool in the summer. Every family does.

Which is why this mom stands with the 99%.

Solve This Problem: Internet or TV

This prompt from Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop is actually quite timely as the H and I are currently in dispute about something.

We pay an outlandish amount a month for our TV and Internet thru Comcast ($145 to be exact) and well since I didn’t get this job we can’t really afford that any longer. However, we disagree about what we should cut.

No TV:

I can’t imagine not having cable, on demand or DVR access. It’s slightly sad how much television I watch, but I’ve grown to not care. I really enjoy watching TV. I really enjoy discussing it on twitter and with friends. What would E and I talk about if we didn’t have TV? What would Bear do while we were trying to sleep in the mornings if he couldn’t watch Bakugan, Ben 10 or Generator Rex On Demand? I would be completely out of the loop if I couldn’t see what antics those crazy Housewives were up to. TV for me is an amazing release like escaping to the pages of a favorite book.

No Internet:

We both have smartphones. I use my iphone for 95% of all my at home internet needs. I rarely actually go downstairs to the basement to use the internet. And I’m online for 40 hours a week at work. To me it would be completely unnoticeable. The H’s argument is that he’s the commissioner of his fantasy league and thus needs internet access to do things related to that as well as music demo stuff for his band.

So what do we do? Cut out internet? TV? Neither? Both?

Note: I’m also looking into Century Link/Direct TV for cheaper prices.

When You’re Disappointed

Every morning when I push myself out of my warm and cozy bed, I grab my cell phone off the charger and check my email as I get ready for the morning. This morning in between brushing my teeth and putting in my contacts I saw an email from the job I had applied for back at the end of July. The one I had already gone through an assessment, pre-interview, and two one hour phone interviews that went amazingly well.  My stomach knotted itself in excitement as I read the email, scanning ahead my eyes fell to the words, At this time, your skills and experience do not match with the opening we have.

I felt the floor drop from under me.

My hands shook as I placed my contacts in my eyes. To say I had all my eggs in one basket would be an understatement. This was my only basket. These were the only eggs I had. I had all of my hopes and dreams wrapped up in this. The interviews could not have gone better. I could not have felt more qualified and certain that I had nailed this. I never share with others when I’m interviewing to spare the disappointment of telling negative news. I shamelessly told everyone and anyone of this so certain that my life would turn around. That this would be the answer to all of my prayers. This would propel us out of the awful financial situation that two children in daycare create. This would make the last five and half years of my life meaningful because my career was going somewhere great. When you work some place, under a supervisor, that plummets your morale to the point that you don’t know how you walk out of work every day without blood on your hands you need a hope. A silver lining.

I lost it. I didn’t get. I got so close, but I didn’t close the deal. Worse than how much I wanted this. Worse than how high my hopes were. Worse than how much I needed this money. Worse is just that simply I have to still work here. I have to still come in every day with a smile on my face, keep quiet in meetings, dig my fingernails in my palm to keep from shouting; I have to waste more hours of my life here.

I won’t cry over this, despite how much they welled up as I sent E the text that I didn’t get it. Despite how much they wanted to as the H hugged me in condolence. I will not let this take me down. I will not wallow in the self-pity that looks so comforting.

I will analyze and dissect the emails and try to stay positive.

We normally send a standard email but I wanted to contact you personally.

However, I enjoyed meeting you and I think you have some real potential.  I will keep your name on a short list of candidates that we will look to in the future.  Stay in touch.

I didn’t get this. But I have an amazing group of friends at work that keep me sane, and alive and I get to stay with them longer. That is the most positive thing I can glean from all of this.

Written as a part of Heather of the E.O.’s Just Write.

If I Didn’t Work

I’m in a goofy mood. I got to work, saw it was 8:30 am and wanted to start laughing manically like Walt on Breaking Bad.

I’m oddly, inexplicably, gloriously happy. I don’t know if I can even contain it. E and I listened to Celebration and it just sky rocketed my glee. Then I listened to Eye of the Mother Fucking Tiger thinking of Aunt Becky and once I went down that road I couldn’t be contained.

Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop prompt this week has the topic, “what would you do if you didn’t work” I decided that I needed to expand that topic to if I also had exorbitant amounts of money because if I didn’t work currently then I’d be looking for work and eating raisins off the floor. (Why would there be raisins on my floor?)

If I didn’t have a job: well first I’d have to quit my job which I would do in a blaze of glory. I’d breakout my nicknames and tell everyone like it is. And it isn’t good.

I’d probably get in my car and drive home. Probably blast some pop music loudly, light up a cigarette and laugh manically again. Maybe I’d put on Lily Allen’s Fuck You really loudly. No, no. Got to bring it back to Office Space and play Damn it feels Good to be a Gangsta.  

Upon arriving at home I’d probably take off my shoes. Then I would pour myself a mother fucking glass of booze, regardless of the time. I’d ignore my dogs and call the H and probably tell him something like, “Don’t be mad, but I quit my mother fucking job. But it’s okay because I have boat loads of money. In fact I’m going to buy a boat right now.”

Then I’d probably go in the basement load up the world’s slowest computer and send an email to my co-workers. It’d go something like this:

You guys I did it. I left in a blaze of glory, did you see the fire? The smoke? Did the Wicked Witch melt? How about Dandruff? Did he crumble into tiny pieces of white dust and blow away? Is his bald head bleeding and scabbing again? I want you to know I have so much money (from magical job quitting elves) that I’m taking all of us out for unlimited drinks and apps. And tea for the preggers. I’m going to pick you up in my new boat. Meet me on the Mississippi bitches!

Then I’d buy a boat. I’d probably buy a man who can commandeer my boat. Ideally an attractive one. Who I would dress in this:

(yes that’s me on the left circa 2005)

After that I’d probably walk about my house. Maybe pour another drink. Then I’d call a livery service and have them pick me up. I’d have them drive me to the Mall of America where I would spend boat loads of money at Bloomingdales and Nordstrom on things I’ve never been able to afford.

I’d probably go to the spa. Get my hair and nails did.

Then I’d go pick up my friends in my mother fucking boat. But first I’d check in on foursquare.

I would greet them gloriously looking like this:

And we’d sing this song:

I would send tweets throughout the day telling people of my glory.

Then after the booze wore off I’d have someone drive me home in which I would fall asleep next to my most likely already asleep Husband.

In reality, I’d probably eat raisins off the floor, shuffle about my house and gain weight.