The More Complicated Ship: Friendship

I have this string of thoughts that has been floating around my head, pulling at me. There was a writer’s workshop at Mama Kat’s that I missed awhile ago that asked the question of what 10 lessons your child would teach you. One came to mind, instantaneously, I wish I could make friends easily. Kids just see someone in a vague age range as themselves and they just start talking, start playing and suddenly they’re friends no questions asked. I can’t do that. I’ve never been able to just do that.

I make friends so easily, in my mind. In my mind I haven’t escalated far beyond an initial childhood reaction of you seem nice, we have something in common, let’s be friends. However, I am acutely aware of the fact that the feeling is almost never mutual. Most people take time to make friends. They are guarded. Unwilling to reveal. Their time is precious and difficult to penetrate.  I hate this.

I make friends by telling. Perhaps, usually, too much. I reveal from the get go. It’s a good thing I never dated because I’m sure this earnestness wouldn’t work well.

Why is it so challenging to be friends as adults? Have we been hurt too much? Scorned by childhood teasing and gossip? Why do we have a limit of how many friends we’ll have? At what point does someone transition from acquaintance to friend?

To me friendships are more complicated than relationships. Much more complicated. In a relationship to an extent you know where you stand. They are milestones that you complete. There are late night whisperings. When was the last time two friends sat together to discuss just what kind of friends they are?

I am loyal. To a fault. I will do anything and everything for my friends.

I forgive. Always. Often when I shouldn’t.

I am compassionate. My empathy is endless.

Perhaps because I give so much, always, that I never feel like I get what I give. I never feel equal. Like in a relationship where one loves more, deeper, stronger, there is that endless imbalance in my friendships. That endless doubt in my mind of where we stand.

On some level I’m always surprised when my friends are there for me. I am expecting them to disappoint me. I never feel worthy of their friendships, so I never trust it completely. So I give more and more to compensate for these feelings of inadequacy.

I have an arsenal of fear.

I’m often so disappointed in myself. Disappointed that I care so much, try so hard, and feel so terribly alone at the end of the day. I miss my friends from Chicago with a tremor that shakes my core. I know I idealize them, idealize a childhood friendship we once had for in reality the friends I’ve known the longest know me the least. They know my past though; they know what has shaped me. Molded me, broke me, put me back together. So I carry them with me. I find that the internet makes it all the more harder. These virtual relationships you’re building with people you’ve never met.

I miss the days when we all wore friendship bracelets and hearts torn in two.

 

 

 

Linked up with Shell’s Pour Your Heart Out and Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop: Disappointed

    

Turkey Time!

Every single year I host a Thanksgiving dinner, its a tradition that I love because I love hosting, cooking and I’ve always wanted to have big family holidays. In many ways my friends have become my extended family since my actual immediate family is in Chicago and the rest is abroad. This year we had 16 people (including the H and I) for dinner! Luckily last winter I had purchased a giant table at Ikea so we were able to all actually fit around one table. As opposed to previous years where we essentially have a kids table and then an adults table. Plus, its interesting to see the crowd change through the years and the people who have been at our dinners since the beginning!

I, of course, went overboard and even though all 14 people were assigned foods to bring I decided to make a lot of additional things besides just the turkey and gravy. I made spice cake, green bean casserole, home made rolls, corn on the cob, cranberries and Italian Sausage stuffing. So yeah, a few more things than just turkey! We had an abundance of food, but honestly we didn’t have the same kind of leftovers that we’ve had in the past.

Here’s the full menu:

• Homemade Bread Rolls
• Pear and Apple Salad with Raspberry Vinaigrette
• Corn on the Cob
• Green Bean Casserole
• Cheesy Potatoes
• Mashed Potatoes
• Butternut Squash Dumplings
• Italian Sausage Stuffing
• Cornbread Casserole
• Vegetable Medley
• Glazed Carrots
• Herbed Turkey and Gravy
• Pumpkin Pie
• Chocolate Pie
• Spice Cake
• Lots of Wine

I like cooking and  lately (being the last 10 weeks while on leave) I’ve been cooking up a storm. In part to take up time and to save money on not eating out, oh and also so I eat healthier to lose weight. There are so many good reasons to eat at home and to cook and I’ve been really enjoying it. But the issues are that ingredients cost money, and well its hard to cook for one person or if I’m cooking for the family to cook things that don’t have vegetables or onions or really anything with flavor because the H eats a carnival diet.

So that makes it really difficult to cook.

Which is why events like this are so great. I get to cook lots of food with vegetables! For a crowd of people not just myself!

I also spent a ridiculous amount of time getting all Martha Stewart for the event in decorating the table and even went out to the dog park to search for more pinecones and such for a place tag holders and other decorations. I tried to capture it all in pictures but honestly I couldn’t quite get it right. Candlelight is so much prettier in person than photographed (at least on my 7 year old digital camera!)

What was also great is that I wound up with food poisoning on actual Thanksgiving so I missed the whole dinner since I spent the day feverish in bed, alone, vomiting and generally cursing TGI Fridays. So having had the party was great because in many ways I already had my thanksgiving and I was just missing a not as good part II.

Expensive Outings

So as usual I had grand plans to save money and get out of debt, and as usual have managed to botch it somehow. The summer was supposed to be a great time to save money while The Aunt watched Bear, but instead I spent money. And then of course there is my leave: I’m getting paid and the kids aren’t in daycare I should be raking in the money, right? In a certain sense we are, and that money is all going towards paying off debt (and the hospital bill from the baby), but I didn’t realize that 2 weeks of my leave was going to be unpaid and that the kids are going to need to go to daycare sooner then I expected.

Oh yeah and Christmas. I forgot about that major expense coming up.

We went out a lot last month and it was great to finally leave the house and do stuff. I forgot how much I like doing stuff. But the problem is that we really can’t afford to be doing it, but at the same time I already feel like my friends are ostracizing us because they’re all constantly getting together and recently they’ve stopped even asking us to join them because we always say no. Which sucks. I hate being excluded. I mean it has to be one of my number 1 things I hate. I had to turn down two invitations recently which was like absurdly difficult to do. I kept thinking of people having fun without me.

Plus, eating dinner out is way more expensive then my Chipotle habit was at work. I haven’t eaten lunch out at all while on leave but to fix my non home cooking craving the H and I have gone out a lot. Often as a tag a long to some other outing like when we took the kids to the Science Museum, or went to the Children’s Museum to see Spooky Hollow, then of course the Apple Orchard, or when we went to the Zoo Boo. And the H and I went to the Haunted Basement which was also fun. Everything was fun and great… but pricey.

And just now because I hate paying shipping I instead spent $100 at Crate and Barrel to bypass the shipping charge. I spent exactly $100.20. Three of things were Christmas gifts for people… but the other things… Christmas presents for me. Yeah… that wasn’t the smartest thing.

So in essence: I have nothing new to say. I spend money I shouldn’t spend. (However after these next credit card payments in November I will be debt free! Minus the Fridge and Windows which are on 0% interests until I pay them off after my hopefully GIANT tax refund that I’m really banking on.)

 

Well That Was Unexpected…

So things at work have been, to say the least, confusing lately. Mostly, because everything is filled with drama, conspiracy theories, and secrecy. See protected post for more.

Last week I was meeting with the Prof and the Dir of Ops regarding a project the three of us are undertaking now that the Researcher has been let go. We were discussing two upcoming training webinars that take place on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. The Dir of Ops and I were hoping to do the webinars as soon as possible and both mentioned our availability this week. The Prof said, no he can’t do it on Tuesday at 1. However, we reiterated that this was not something that needed to be done together, rather on our individual computer screens and that we’d still like to do it this Tuesday. He then vaguely and cryptically mentioned that none of us would be available on Tuesday.

So we waited and waited for some sort of meeting invite, an email, something to announce that we would in fact be busy at 1pm on Tuesday. Of course because of the vagueness of the Prof’s message we all started to wildly speculate what we could possibly be meeting about.

Today after our usual Chipotle luncheon both The Dir of Ops and I get pulled into separate conference rooms (her with the Dragon, me with the Prof) and are told about the department re-org that is going to be announced at 1:30 yesterday. First, the Prof speaks about New Moms’s new position which will be reporting to him (which we’ve all known about for quite some time, she’s the Dragon’s favorite) and I pretend to look like I’m hearing this for the very first time. Then he pulls out the org chart and tells me that’s not all.

One of my closest friends at work, Devo Associate, is being moved over to the Corporate side to take over New Mom’s job now that she’s going to be on our team in her brand new job, with fancy new title, and likely huge fucking raise. And I will be assuming all of the Devo Associate’s Annual Fund duties. Which is  a serious increase in job responsibilities. I will be effectively in charge of all of the AF solicitations now. So I’m obviously pleased because I complain incessantly about not having enough work to do and being over qualified for my current tasks. So now I’m actually getting work to do (and a lot of  it) and something that will be new and slightly challenging. Plus, I get a mini raise (5%).

So that was fucking unexpected. I had been assuming my head was next on the chopping block, plotting how to escape the neurosis of my department, etc. And now, well now apparently I’m being somewhat rewarded for a job well done. How odd.

In retrospect I realize I should have asked for more money. This took me completely off guard however. I figure now I have great ammunition to discuss at next year’s review when I mention, “oh by the way, remember how I’m doing way more work than I was? How about we have a real raise and a title change?” Maybe, especially if they miss me a lot, I can swing this when I come back from leave.

I worry though, almost to tears, that this is their way of pushing the Devo Associate out. She’s been at the museum 18+ years so they would have a hard time letting her go, but this way they can just make it so she wants to leave. In fact, I notice that she’s taken down all the pictures of her kids from her cube =/. She should be overjoyed that she no longer reports to the Prof, but on the same level it feels like a demotion having all her work taken for her (that she’s been doing for 18 years) and be given what seems to me like less tasks than she was doing before. This feels more like a demotion than just a shift in responsibilities. But I haven’t seen her new job description so perhaps its not as bad as it seems.

Its obvious that the Prof doesn’t like her, he’s certainly made that clear. And this is his way of getting rid of her, without getting rid of her. I think he’d have a hard time explaining to anyone how he could let go an exemplary employee of 18+ years. Now he doesn’t have to, but she also has nothing to do with our team anymore.

I can’t help but pleased and relieved for myself. But still I doubt the drama of my office is fully complete yet.

Chicago Recap

This past weekend I ventured home to Sweet Home Chicago for a baby shower that my friends were throwing for me as well as to leave Bear with my parents for the week (they will be returning him Friday when they come up for the 4th).

We (my friend L, Bear and I) left on schedule at 10 am on Friday morning. However after 60 minutes into our drive (L was driving) a random tire part flew towards us and smashed into the windshield cracking it badly on the drivers side and a big crack across the whole thing.

So we pulled over in Eau Claire, WI. I spent approximately 45 minutes on hold, being transferred, being disconnected, recalling, being on hold, being transferred, etc with Allstate trying to figure out exactly what I’m supposed to do. All the representatives were very nice, but the fact that the whole calling thing took 45 minutes pissed me off. Luckily, it was covered at 100% with no deductible so we were able to call someone to come out the parking lot we were in and fix it. Problem was that they wouldn’t arrive until 1pm and the car wouldn’t be drivable until 3pm putting us at a 4 hour delay hanging out in Eau Claire.

Luckily due to my ingenuity and the  kindness of strangers we asked and were allowed to go swimming in the Eau Claire Hampton Inn pool that we happened to be stranded next to. So for an hour we took Bear swimming and then had lunch for another hour and then hung around the hotel while Bear built a rock castle waiting for the windshield to be done.

We finally got to Chicago close to 8pm, a full 10 hours after we departed. After dinner with my parents we joined my good friends B and A at my favorite restaurant, Tapas Barcelona, for drinks, dessert and late apps. We wound up chatting at a nearby park until way past my bedtime.

The next day was off to my baby shower hosted by the bf and A and it was wonderful. They did a fabulous job. I got lots of cute things for Isabelly definitely more clothes and books then the practical things I actually registered for. But cute things are still nice! After the shower I napped since I did not sleep well in the non air conditioned sweat lodge that is my parent’s place. It also did not help that Bear was sleeping with me and he likes to turn a full 180 degrees throughout the night. We then went back to Barcelona with 3 of my good friends and filled up on super yummy food. Then we met up with my male friends for bowling at some hole in the wall by their house. It was actually quite a nice little bowling alley it just happens to be above an abandoned hardware store. I did not bowl my best. It wound up being another late night, and due to the baby in the belly we declined to go out to the 4 am bars with the boys.

Sunday morning we woke up to a giant thunderstorm. It had to be one of the loudest I have heard in recent years, but after 2 hours of downpour it completely cleared up to a nice sunny day so we went with my dad and Bear to the pool. He quite enjoyed hopping about in the water like a goon and playing sea monster and other silly things. I remembered my love of swimming (and of not being ghostly white as I got some sun). After the pool we met up with friends at Bar Louie for a late lunch and then went to see Grown Ups at the theater before dashing off to meet my parents for dinner at Coalfire Pizza. It had to be one of the best pizza’s I’ve ever eaten. It was delicioius. We had the margarita, pepperoni and prosciutto pizzas. After dinner we re-met up with my friend’s at BAP’s place for cards and general hanging out. It was fabulous getting to see my friends all weekend and being back in Chicago. Like K says, Chicago summers are just really fabulous.

Monday we went to the pool one final time with Bear and my mom and then left at 1pm to be Minnesota bound (an hour past schedule) but got detoured stopping at Crate & Barrel and Starbucks at the local mall. So actually left Evanston at 2pm. Only to arrive at the outlet mall at 3pm and shop at the Coach and Guess Outlets until 4pm. Both L and I got matching Coach purses (because we’re ridiculous human beings) and I finally replaced my broken Coach sunglasses that I’ve had since 2004 (they still sort of functioned). So really we got on the road at like 4pm.

Once when I was driving I passed a car with a zillion antenna’s but no other sign of being a police car, unfortunately it was. However nicely the guy turned on his siren for a moment to alert me of his presence but then let me go about my way without pulling me over. Which basically meant that I drove behind him and not ahead of him for the next 20 miles that we were going the same direction.

We stopped at my favorite gas station/petting zoo and this time the goat did not try to eat our ice cream

We did see a rather pissed off Peacock who was in the same pen as two wild miniature horses who seemed to be engaged in some rough housing

Then further along our trip while L was driving she actually did get pulled over. It was super awkward when the Officer Bentley asked about what was in the bottle in the back seat and I momentarily panicked before realizing it was the leftover cider from the baby shower. I pointed to my belly and explained that we were not drinking. I think a combination of Isabelly and L’s breasts got us out of that speeding ticket because he went back to his car, ran her license, but returned empty handed and sent us about our merry way.

We finally arrived back in Minnesota around 9:30 pm.

It was quite a great weekend.