As I look down upon these unfortunate folds under my clothes, the spots, the tiny misplaced hairs I cannot help but thrust judgment. An endless barge of criticism and insults spit from my mind. Somehow the amazing deal on the skirt I purchased is overshadowed by the number on the tag. By hanging it next to dozens of much smaller numbers that cannot be worn. How is it that I have found myself in this place? How can a former bulimic stand upon a scale and have these number show?
Undetectably, I find myself scanning other women around me. Sizing up the other mothers as we walked through the zoo today. Are her shoes nicer than mine? Her waist smaller? Her hair shinier? This constant judgement and assessment. Cataloging each one and scoring myself against them, it’s so ingrained in my mind. Buy why? There’s beauty in our soft spots, in our fuzzy ones, in bumps and moles and imperfections that make us mothers and women.
My children couldn’t possibly care less what size is on my pants or number on the scale. Bella finds great pleasure in pressing my belly button and laughing as she slaps my belly and makes silly noises. She lifts her shirt and giggles for me to do the same. These are the things that should matter. Her smile. Bear’s first wiggling tooth. These moments, not the mother next to me at the zoo in her size 2 jeans. Does she size herself up, glancing my way and desiring my purse? My cellphone? There is always something someone has. Physical. Material. All so ephemeral.
What will it take for us to stop comparing, criticizing, coveting?
To not define ourselves by numbers. To not limit our happiness by marketing ploys. When will being a woman, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a mother be enough?
I hope I figure it out before my daughter is old enough to ask herself these questions.
Linked with Just Be Enough.
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Tags: Just Be Enough, Motherhood, Weight, Weight Issues
This is so, so hard to do! I totally understand. But I think (hope) that together we can help each other stop doing things like defining ourselves by numbers.
Hang in there and remember exactly what you said – the numbers don’t matter one BIT to your kids.
Thanks for linking up with JBE today.
=) Thanks!
Preach it, sister! I am in LOVE with this site, on which women post pictures of their bellies, which is my personal body obsession. All different sizes and shapes, and stories to go with them….bit by bit, it’s helping me to quite that voice.
My belly has always been my obsession. I will definitely check out the website!
Right, I should include the link.. http://www.xojane.com/fun/gallery/bellies-part-2#22
That is so awesome!
Boy, can I relate to this! I feel like I keep getting worse; usually if I’m working on my appearance (like right now, triyng to get back into shape), I become all that much more critical of myself because there’s such a focus on it. I saw this girl at Bed, Bath & Beyond yesterday who -seriously- looked like a model and I actually found myself thinking, “Why bother? I’ll never look like that.” Being about to turn 30 definitely isn’t helping!
Hang in there, and know that I -and your readers- think you are absolutely gorgeous (inside and out)!
Yeah I always feel that way when I see people like that. But then I think to myself if I spent as much time and effort and she probably does I could look that way too. But I’m not interested in waking up at 5am to exercise, do my hair and makeup before work!
Its just hard not to beat myself up about not taking the effort!!
(and you’re gorgeous also!)
I am that 2 and I hope to god I can teach my daughter that every aspect of her being, physical and material, is wonderful and beautiful and exactly as it should be.
That’s what always worries me, that I’ll pass my own insecurities onto my daughter! I hope we don’t!
EVERY woman compares herself to others.
When I’m being ridiculously hard on myself and the way I look, I try to think of times my body has been in bad straights for one reason or another, and that restores me to gratitude instead of judgment.
Very good idea!