I started the draft of this on October 17, 2009 according to WordPress. I still don’t feel like I’m able to adequately express what I’m trying to convey. One of the main reasons I changed my mind about law school is that if I’m really passionate about something I have a hard time articulating myself. It’s quite the flaw, especially for a writer.
But when I saw this article on babycenter today and I realized I should probably finally get this post out.
Being the mother of a son (and now a daughter, but at the time I wasn’t even pregnant) I am constantly surprised by incidents in which people try to tell him he can’t do something because he’s a boy. I don’t think that’s any more appropriate than telling a girl she can’t be a police officer if she wants to be, but we’ve become so hardwired to be inclusive of women that we often forget how frequently we tell young boys that they can’t do something because they’re boys. Perhaps that’s why young boys grow up to be men so firm in their masculinity and gender roles that they unknowingly suppress women by defining capabilities with gender stereotypes.
I often find that the fear in allowing a young boy to play with dolls, or put on make up on, is deeply rooted in the fear that this one activity will drive your child to homosexuality. First and foremost, I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. Would I want Bear to be gay? No, but not because I think there is anything wrong with being gay but because of society. Because of the awful reality of the kind of criticism and intolerance he would have to grow up with. Because he wouldn’t be allowed to marry someone he loves. And I don’t wish that upon him. Or anyone. I also firmly believe that homosexuality and gender identity are something you are born with. You don’t decide to become gay or decide to become a woman because your parents let you play with a doll or like in the article referenced above painted your toenails pink. No one chooses these things, no more than someone chose to be born black in the confederate south. I will always associate race with this because I see little difference between telling two people they can’t marry because of the color of their skin or because of what’s in their pants.
A few incidents happened with Bear that made me think of this. First, was with the H who seemed to have a great problem that I was letting Bear play with my make up as I was getting ready one evening. What he saw were what looked like paint brushes and colorful pots of powdered paint. He doesn’t understand that for some reason boys aren’t supposed to play with make up. But as I thoroughly attested to the H and Bear himself he can wear make up if he wants to. And he can play with it, as long as he doesn’t ruin mommy’s very expensive makeup. Second, was also with the H and Bear wanting to play with a kitchen. He had a good time playing with one at a playdate and I thought it would be a cool Christmas gift. We did get this awesome one from Melissa and Doug, but there was initially some hesitance on the H’s part. My winning arguments were that he sees Daddy and Mommy cooking and wants to be just like us and hasn’t he noticed on Top Chef that professional cooking is actually quite a male dominated profession? The last one occurred with my mother as I was driving her to the airport once. She was in the backseat with Bear and he was looking through her purse. He saw her make up and she kept telling him, no those are girls things, boys don’t use that. And it really frustrated with me. What frustrated me more was that I wasn’t able to speak up for myself and defend my beliefs, but instead let her say these things to him.
I don’t want him to grow up thinking there is anything he can’t do and be. And now that I have a daughter I very firmly feel the same way for her. Shortly after Bella was born Bear was always very interested in helping out with his sister. He had a stuffed animal that he had me put a diaper on and dress in Bella’s NB clothes and then he would sit in Bella’s room as I nursed her and he would pretend to nurse his baby (also named Bella, he’s not too creative with naming). I thought it was beyond adorable that a) he wanted to be just like mommy b) that he understood and wanted to nurture his baby c) that he will grow up thinking that breastfeeding is a natural and normal thing.
Also, crying. Frequently I find that the H discourages Bear from crying. Granted, I don’t like men who cry too much. Which I know is going against everything I’m saying, but its my preference in what I find attractive in a man. Not a blanket statement against men who cry. However, a child should never be discouraged from crying (whining, yes) because its just an expression of their feelings. They often don’t have the capability to articulate their actual emotions and the frustration or sadness comes out in tears and there’s nothing wrong with that!
Maybe its because I have a friend who’s gay, a best friend who’s a lesbian and two friends that are transgender that I find myself to be very conscientious of these things. But with the exception of the former I knew and loved the rest long before I had an idea about their preferred genders or sexual orientation. But my friendship with them didn’t change because of those things, who they were didn’t change even if their physical appearance or name did. And because I’m so close with them I understand the struggles and depression that come from that and as a parent I feel obligated to raise my children in an atmosphere of acceptance and openness. They can be whoever they want to be, even if its not the life I would have necessarily chosen for them.
