This is going to be a BIG one since I missed last week! Brought to you by TFLN.
(605): So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
(720): This is a whole new level of slut for you….do they smell ok?
(856): He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
(941): so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
(252): Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
(919): Are you talking about my vagina?
(502): Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
(720): She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said “chaser.” This cant be real life.
(818): I only make drug deals in a British accent. It’s my way of making sure it doesn’t get too sketch.
(815): i woke up with a grocery list signed by “the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out”
(215): what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
(1-215): 6 min
(410): i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as “rude”
(913): did you yell “are you not entertained?”
(702): As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, “what? No alcohol today?” have I really earned THAT reputation?
(908): I’m eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
(585): My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
(616): You are an asshole
(574): haha sleeping beauty awakes.
(616): Where did you find this costume?
(612): I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
(201): If a man’s penis is referred to as “the family jewels” does that make a woman’s vagina a jewelry box?
(612): no, i’m not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
(219): rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
(516): …so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
(585): hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
(516): is that a “i laughed because im fine with it” or “im a republican” ?
(443): Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
(425): im bored tell me something entertaining
(206): You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
(914): Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
(1-914): It’s the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
(206): I fucking love fucking science majors– she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
(518): alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
(1-518): dude. you drew those with your dick
(770): I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund… totally worked
(970): Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I’m about to set my cock on the table between them and label it “tie breaker”
(260): dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
(1-260): what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
(661): the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said “oh, you’re hot.” and went back to sleep.
(631): so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
(631): what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
(727): and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
(707): he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
(803): Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
(705): dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
(646): lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
(904): I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
(215): you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could ’set it free’.
(215): we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
(407): she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
(330): Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
(225): wtf
(1-225): I’m guessing you saw the bathroom?
(224): finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
(661): Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don’t shut up.
(1-661): What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was “how”
(847): just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
(817): so I finished the entire bottle…next thing I know, it’s 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
(715): In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, “Some dude somewhere is unhappy.”
(647): The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It’s ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
(973): $22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
(1-973): math is fun
(864): you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
(708): She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she’s got her clit peirced n I just got laid
(937): I did something last night that I shouldn’t have, but I don’t want to tell you because you’ll probably just make it your fb status…
(1-937): I see you’ve learned your lesson.
(217): Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
(1-217): Don’t worry about it.
(914): She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
(603): I just saw the nastiest chick.
(1-603): Where?
(603): woke up next to her… fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
(850): By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
(850): The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
(612): and then he said “my sister has the same underwear!” please come get me.
(703): okay, prove you’re not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
(1-703): I am sober. Because I don’t drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
(805): woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: “brreakfdast..pork and ice cream.”
(612): I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn’t cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
(702): I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
(270): He told me he wanted to break up so he could get “closer to God.”
(1-270): Does God suck his dick?
(740): Hi, my name’s audrey!
(614): Max?
(740): Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
(785): Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
(814): he told me he wanted to get “words” tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
(314): hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
(573): pat the guy you slept with
(314): still need a last name
(256): I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
(408): She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don’t respond to this because she’s the perfect girl. I’d love to smell her cell phone after that.
(717): I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother…
(203): I just figured I’d let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
(813): y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you’re going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
(661): i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
(951): u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
(661): i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
(920): dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
(1-920): no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
(920): he wasn’t. neither were you.
(847): i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
(847): i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
(440): sarcasm needs its own font
(925): So in our children’s lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where’s waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
(804): Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend…so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
(571): was that a mass text??
(636): ra ra ra ah ah
(573): wtf?
(636): sexting lady gaga style
(613): So, right as I’m cumming, I pull out and go “PYEW PYEW” like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
(317): sorry I didn’t call you. I had your number saved as “girl that offered bj but didn’t follow thru”.
(843): woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
(401): after I pulled back my foreskin she said, “cool like a transformer”. I really like her now.
(302): Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
(347): I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
(347): I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
(843): she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for “rough nights”.
(940): She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
(445): We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
(801): let me put it this way. im never saying “join in or get out” again unless i know whos in the room.
(407): my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
(775): My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar…the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
(541): So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!…..yeah kinda akward
(508): They were so slutty we had to play “rarely have I ever.”
(305): Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I’m not coming.
(614): she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
(906): i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
304): my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
(931): my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
(217): So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying “I just dont want you to be angry” and on my way out she was saying “I have the side effects sheet right here” Someone started the semester off classy
(541): No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
(613): I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You’re welcome.
(609): I’m in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom’s clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear… now it looks like she sharted
(612): a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I’m going to miss the midwest.
(260): He went soft
(631): Wait. During?
(260): Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
(207): Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night…..
(617): I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11